The Mike James Bible

In a recent Toronto Star article, Raptors free agent-to-be point guard Mike James compared himself to Jesus.

I’ve taken the liberty to highlight some appropriate bible passages that might help us understand his holiness better.

Matthew 5:10
“Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

In this bible verse, we are told that good character on Earth will net us great rewards in heaven. Mike James feels persecuted, never before having the kind of playing time he felt he deserved. His reward? Heaven… 6 to 9 million dollars a year.

Matthew 5:44
“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”

Jesus teaches us to love your enemies. It is clear that Mike James also preaches the same Gospel. Let his ill-advised 3 point attempts and fourth quarter turnovers testify to this. Clearly he loves his opponents as much as his own teammates.

James 2:26
“As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead”

For those unfamiliar with this passage, it’s the famous ‘faith and works’ passage of the bible. That is, for salvation, you must believe, and also act accordingly. The people of Toronto will just have to believe that Mike James will keep putting in 20 points a game despite being 30 years old. The accompanying act is that nice contract.

Luke 12:20-21
"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'
"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

This is taken from the parable of the rich fool; it is telling us that wealth is not all material. Do you really think Mike James is playing for the money? That’s ludicrous. If he was, do you really think he would have thrown away all those games?

Matthew 4:23
“Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.”

We’ll close off with this, after all it’s the theme of Mike James’ comparison. Even with acts like this, Jesus was killed. Mike James can’t cure SARS (no longer a problem in Toronto for those that are curious, and neither is leprosy); he can only give it his all on his court. Just like Mark Blount, Stromile Swift and Erick Dampier did after signing their big contracts. Besides, he’s still less crazy than Rafer Alston was, right?

Statistically Significant

You may have heard of the “Moneyball” phenomenon. It’s the new trend that began in baseball and is slowly spreading to other sports. Basically, instead of traditional scouting, trying to judge intangibles like a guy’s heart or effort, you take hard numbers. If you play fantasy baseball you’ve seen new numbers like PECOTA and OPS show up. In basketball, John Hollinger has developed PERS, and in hockey there’s always been Plus/Minus.

Numbers are a great way to evaluate a guy’s production on the field, but everyone knows there’s more to sports than on-field performance. If numbers were all fans cared about, than every Denver Broncos running back for the past 6 years should be a top jersey seller. I can guarantee I’ve never seen the “MIKE ANDERSON” jersey in my local Foot Locker.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying numbers are a bad thing. They’re great, all we need are new numbers to evaluate a player’s value to the team. With this, I unveil my PEVS (Player Entertainment Valuation System) numbers.

Now for a basic breakdown of how it works. Basically it is a ratio of the player’s conduct to his major media outlet exposure. Also included are a number of other popularity measures such as relevant Google hits, jersey sales, number of major signature products. These are all assigned point modifiers since things like Google hits aren’t quite as important as a signature shoe. Going over the exact mathematical formula would be quite boring, so let’s just look at some examples.

In basketball, Stephon Marbury would score pretty high. Even though Marbury hasn’t had a signature shoe in years, his very public feud with Larry Brown was worth far more than a shoe. Beyond that, he’s still the #4 jersey mover. He is also helped by his lack of appearances in “Read to Achieve commercials” which are assigned a negative value because they are anything but entertaining.

Johnny Damon would be another PEVS star. Insulting his old team by calling them ‘idiots’, priceless in a MasterCard commercial maybe, but worth a ton in PEVS. Combined with his complete transformation into a Yankee with his shorn locks and beard and thus thrusting the dagger into the backs of Red Sox fans everywhere with maximum twist is just pure PEVS fodder. There’s even a secondary effect with gems such as these being left in blogs: Screw Steinbrenner, Screw Cashman, Screw the Chokees, and finally Screw that traitorous rat-bastard Johnny Unfrozen Caveman Damon. May the lord guide those double AA's thrown from the Fenway Bleachers next year directly to your sizeable useless melon.

Of course, PEVS isn’t always necessary. In the NFL, one player would dominate this stat. We all know the answer… T.O. If I calculated his score, it’d probably be somewhere around a million, that’s even before giving bonus points for trying to pick a fight with Hugh Douglas AND Donovan McNabb, along with signing with a hated division rival.

You’re probably thinking, “well, doesn’t PEVS punish character guys?” You know what? You’re completely right, it does. A goody two-shoes type like Carlos Delgado with ‘beliefs’ and ‘morals’, who also gives toys to children would score very low. You know what else though? No one is paying for that. People want to see car accidents, not someone helping an old lady across the street.

First Round NBA Picks

Eastern Conference

(8) Milwaukee Bucks vs. (1) Detroit Pistons
Do I really have to say much about this? The Bucks don’t even have a winning record. They have some talented guys like TJ Ford, Magloire, and Redd but together they don’t make much of a team, especially not one that can compete with the team that has refined that word. TNT might be better off showing Gigli instead, yes it’s gonna be that bad…

Detroit in four.

(7) Chicago Bulls vs. (2) Miami Heat
See, the nice thing about Eastern Conference picks is that they’re really easy. Before, when Jordan was still on the Bulls, you’d just choose the Bulls and you’d have an 85% chance of being right. Now that he’s gone and the Bulls are just another team good enough to make it in a bad conference. Miami hasn’t been playing that great lately, but Wade won’t let them down.

Heat in five.

(6) Indiana Pacers vs. (3) New Jersey Nets
While this is one is a bit tougher than the first two, I keep in mind the fact that this is the NBA and not March Madness in college. When was the last time you had something like George Mason happening? Really, the reason to watch this series will be to see if Peja Stojakovic will absolutely disappear in the postseason with a new team. Jermaine O’Neal is a great player, but who else is around him? Jeff Foster? Anthony Johnson? I might as well named people in an office in Any City, USA. Kidd, Jefferson and Carter have been playing out of their minds, and there’s no reason to think they’ll stop. They don’t have much depth beyond their starting five, but then again no one is going to drown swimming in Indiana’s bench.

Nets in six.

(5) Washington Wizards vs. (4) Cleveland Cavaliers
This is the one to watch, possibly out of both conferences. If I were to draw an analogy to summer movie releases, this isn’t like that one summer where you had Spider-Man, Attack of the Clones and Minority Report come out, it’s more like Jurassic Park III, AI and Final Fantasy. In other words, terrible. However, this is one series that looks great on paper. Lebron and Arenas are two of the leagues most potent scorers. You have Hughes up against the team that he abandoned. Butler will be excited to get back into the playoffs after suffering that year in LA with Kobe. It’s really hard to call this one, the two teams match up quite well. Gooden might not be at Jamison’s level, but Thomas and Haywood aren’t Z either. You have some depth on both teams with guys like Daniels and Murray (both ex-Sonics strangely enough) coming off the benches. It’s hard to call, but I think Lebron is going to be hungry enough to get past at least the first round.

Cavs in seven.

Western Conference

(8) Sacramento Kings vs. (1) San Antonio Spurs
How does it feel Shareef? Let’s not take away from his moment by saying he wasn’t a major part of this run. If that was you on the bench, you know you’d be giddy with excitement. Anyway, Artest has brought a degree of toughness and confidence to this team that looked tired at the beginning of the season. Now Artest claims that the Kings are the favorites in this series. Here’s something that isn’t news, RON ARTEST IS CRAZY. They got a decent starting lineup, a couple of decent guys on the bench, but they are also facing the Spurs. TP (does any one call him this? Or is it too much like toilet paper?) and TD will be ready for the Kings (and the rest of that team too, like Horry, Finley, Ginobili… do I need to go on?)

Spurs in six.

(7) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (2) Phoenix Suns
MVP! MVP! MVP! You have Steve Nash and Kobe Bryant, two legit MVP contenders dueling to advance in the playoffs. Let’s think about something for a second though. Kobe as MVP. Certainly without him, the team would be absolutely awful and dwelling in the basement. The thing is though, as much as we talk about the 81 points he scored, he only had 2 assists. You think a guy who’s drawing an entire team of defenders could afford to pass the ball more than twice. He might make the team better, but not the players. On the flip side, you have Nash who is making Boris Diaw look like he never played in Atlanta. That’s at least equivalent to a 70-point game or something. Throw in the fact that they’ve only won like seven games less than they did last year without Amare should count for the rest. On a side note, Jim Jackson will suit up against his old squad. Who was afraid for a minute that he wouldn’t have a new jersey this season like he usually does? He must have the unintentionally largest basketball jersey collection.

Suns in six.

(6) Los Angeles Clippers vs. (3) Denver Nuggets
As I looked at the matchups on Yahoo! Sports I notice a link to ‘Playoff History’ for the Clippers and laughed. No, it’s actually not a blank page, but out of 6 appearances, 3 were in the 70’s. Anyway, it’s another decent matchup. Cassell, Cat Mobley, Brand, Maggette and Vin Baker (yes, they picked him up) will face Carmelo and Company. Brand will probably step up, while Maggette will look not to get his foot stepped on. It will be interesting to watch. Kenyon Martin is still hobbling about, nowhere near top form, so how he does against Brand will be important. The Nuggets are probably better defensively with Camby and Patterson, but the Clips got some great backcourt shooters in Cat and Cassell. It’s probably going to be a slugfest, and poor Ruben has a bad history in those.

Clippers in seven.

(5) Memphis Grizzlies vs. (4) Dallas Mavericks
By nature, this is supposed to be the most even matchup. In reality, it might be one of the more lopsided ones in the West. Gasol is a great player, unfortunately Nowitizki is a MVP candidate. Beyond that, the Grizz have stars like Chucky Atkins as their starting point man. Jason Terry might not be a superstar, but he’s a decent shooter, whereas Atkins looks like he’s more apt at construction some nights. Mike Miller could be Sixth man of the year, but Dallas has at least 8th or 9th men coming in.

Mavs in six.

The Toronto Sports Wasteland Revival

What's this? Sleepy Toronto, the city I call home makes waves in the sports media with two top stories? Insanity! If you haven't already heard, because you had a heart attack before you heard the radio or watched the television this morning, the Leafs fired Pat Quinn and Chris Bosh said he's extending his contract with the Raptors.

I should've seen this coming though when the Jays spent all that money in the off-season; unseen forces are at work in this city and I'm dually afraid and optimistic at what this all could mean. It's almost like in X-Men, the mutants could be heroes like the X-Men or be terribly evil like Magneto.

What does this all mean for this city? We might be partying like it's 1992 or 93 when the Jays win the World Series this year. Then we'll get the news that Ralph Wilson is going to sell the Bills to local mogul Paul Godfrey who is moving the franchise to TO. This will promptly be followed by the trade of Rafael Araujo to the Knicks for their 2007 first-rounder and an undisclosed sum of cash. With the piece of dead weight removed from the Raptors, along with Vince Carter's return (to his old, hobbling self in New Jersey), they sneak to the top of the Atlantic. A fortunate turn of events in the playoffs occur and they beat the Memphis Grizzlies in 6 to win the NBA championship.

Of course, another scenario is the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup next year. This initally seems like a blessing; 40 years of futility finally come to an end. If you thought the Red Sox and White Sox were something, hockey-crazed Toronto sets a new precedent. Pandemonium breaks loose, people are all over the street. Suddenly fires start, police are called out, but there are just too many people and it's totally out of control. Violence ensues, black people are seen looting, while white people are merely finding items that were discarded conveniently. A few hours later as savagery ensues, a huge asteroid is spotted as heading for a collision course with Earth (Think Armageddon), but because all the Space Shuttles have been grounded, the planet is doomed.

2 scenarios, neither more likely than the other. Well, except for the first part of the first scenario where the Jays win the World Series. That is a possibility, but I balanced it with the Raptors winning an NBA Championship. Lord knows, Bosh signing and the firing of Pat Quinn are very small steps in making these franchises look promising. Here's to hope though, except in Arizona, where you're all still doomed.

Straight Guy for the Queer Eye

nbadraft.net predicts the Toronto Raptors picking Rudy Gay with their likely #5 pick. This might be mutually beneficial to all parties if you think about it. Toronto is a socially-progressive city with a vibrant gay community. It’s totally legal for same-sex couples to get married like any other couple in Canada, which isn’t the case in the States. So what does this mean for Rudy? Massive jersey sales for one.

How many times have you heard the joke that Randall Gay possesses the slowest selling jersey in the NFL. The thing is, Randall isn’t one of the top players at his position, so it doesn’t really matter. Now, Rudy Gay has all the potential to be a great professional player, but his last name really could limit his jersey sales in somewhere more conservative. Put him in Toronto though, and he could be embraced like no one else.

The Raptors could certainly use another marketable player. Their only asset at the moment is Chris Bosh. Locally, you have a lot of support for a couple guys like the goofy Matt Bonner, and the suddenly dependable (and in my opinion, highly underrated) Morris Peterson. However, these guys don’t really have any particular appeal to any given demographic except for the not so important nerdy-looking redhead and basketball players allegedly with herpes segments. Rudy Gay could reach out to the relatively untapped homosexual market.

He could star in a new marketing push in the city. Attendance at games has been quite dismal the past couple years. This is somewhat surprising since hockey was locked out for a year, which should have allowed basketball to make inroads in the city. Of course the team traded away Vince Carter and anyone who follows the NBA knows how that turned out. This is a great chance to make things right and bring in a great deal of new fans.

Of course, this is all based on the huge assumption that one man’s surname happening to coincide with an adjective for someone’s sexual orientation is some sort of great connection, which it could very well not be. In fact, the whole idea might be so ridiculous that it could backfire in the face of the entire organization. Then again, the Raptors did trade Vince Carter for basically nothing. What has Toronto got to lose? (Certainly not more games).

New Stadium, Same Cardinals

So the other day on ESPN.com, there was a video clip about the Arizona Cardinals. "Will Edge give the winning edge to Cards" or something to that effect. There's a lot of talk surrounding the big signing by the Cardinals. In addition, they are finally moving out of Sun Devil Stadium and into new, more modern digs. Let's be serious though, just because the Red and White Sox win a couple World Serieses and the Clippers get into the NBA playoffs doesn't mean every underdog is on the rise. The Cardinals have had high picks for years and yet the last time they made the playoffs was in '98. Count that, it's been 8 years since then, they've had enough high and early round picks to nearly build an entire team. Do you really think a running back who had the luxury of playing with the best regular season QB and a good offensive line is going to reverse the destitution in the desert?

Let me offer some anecdotal evidence. In the 2006 edition of Madden, they added a "Create-a-Superstar" mode. As the name suggests, this mode allows you to create and go through the career of a NFL player. You begin right from the beginning and choose a set of parents, which are randomly generated. I kept generating parents until I hit a father who was a "Hall of Fame DB" with a pretty high IQ of 120. The mother had some random job, but had a genius-level IQ. I figure 'Jackpot!', since I wanted to make a Defensive Back anyway. So after you create the guy's appearence you go through preliminaries like the interview and Wonderlic. I scored high on both (it's really easy since the questions don't change much). Finally, draft day arrives and I get picked in the 3rd round by the Cardinals (you can't get drafted in the first two). I figure "it's alright, it's a game, can't be that bad," but I was horribly mistaken. Upon being drafted, my player had a rating of 89, which was even higher than Antrel Rolle (the real first round pick). This high rating instantly thrust my player into the starting lineup. After a weeks worth of computer-simulated practices (I can't be bothered, it's too boring), my player actually got worse, WORSE. If you didn't know, the rating of the player is calculated by the entire team's performance in practice, not individually. Basically the Cardinals are so bad, that they stank in practice, thus making my player worse.

There you have it, I even threw in a computer simulation of just how bad that team is. If you don't trust computers, I'll just name Duane Starks, he's almost like the real-life version of my virtual player. Here's a guy who comes in with a lot of promise, now he's a journeyman, recently cut by the Pats. Certainly the injuries didn't help, but neither does playing for the Cardinals.

Here are some facts too. The Cardinals are still missing a legit QB; Kurt Warner's magic spell has worn off. Plus, their offensive line is nothing to write home about and can you even name 4 players on the Cardinal's Defense?

Anyway, let us all stay realistic, there are Cubs fans you might get the hopes up of.

Dennis Rodman for Mensa

Dennis Rodman, how much do we know about this man?

A cursory look at Wikipedia (possibly the best site for settling those bets like "Tiger Woods is just as Asian as he is black") tells us he was born in Trenton and there's some debate over his height. It also tells us well-known facts about his career and life, his 'Defensive Player of the Year' awards, marrying Carmen Electra, "killing of the old Dennis Rodman" during the '92-'93 season with a loaded shotgun in the Palace parking lot (alright, I admit I didn't know this one either).

There's one line that really stands out though, "he used an almost scientific approach to calculate how the ball would ricochet off the basket to be in prime position to grab it". Think about this for a second. You're probably thinking 'Dennis Rodman? Scientific? What are these drugs and does Barry Bonds take them?' If you are, then you haven't been following Dennis' recent activity.

As an insomniac, I've been watching Celebrity Poker on Sunday nights, where Dennis Rodman recently made an appearance. The man was unstoppable. At times his bets seemed mad, just completely out of this world, but then he would win the hand. Then the next hand and the one after that. He ended up the champ of the episode and eventually faced off in a championship game where he was knocked out by a ridiculously lucky Mekhi Phifer (the guy must've drawn an Ace like every deal). This, along with his appearance on Pros Vs. Joes (more quality programming by the way), piqued my interest into what 'The Worm' has been up to since his stint in Dallas.

Going back to Wikipedia, you'll find that Dennis was the winner of Celebrity Mole Yucatan. If you're not sure what The Mole is about, it doesn't matter, just know that Mensa billed it as the smartest show on television. Wikipedia tells us that Rodman won while barely taking a note, any notes that he did take were on cocktail napkins. Now granted celebrity competition is never a great gauge of overall intelligence, but come on, Mensa called it the smartest show on TV, that's gotta be worth something.

Now let's get this straight, I'm not nominating Rodman for a Nobel Prize or anything, I'm just saying he's probably the smartest crazy celebrity we never give any credit to. Googling "dennis rodman iq" brings no useful results, so there's nothing to disprove my theory. Is Dennis Rodman the greatest physics teacher no one has ever had? I know none of my physics teachers ever slept with Carmen Electra, that's for sure.