The Double Post Part Deux: Shaq Attack and Gone Fishin'

So just about every news outlet has talked about Shaq being on a botched child pornography raid. It's pretty amazing, I've seen about 200 different takes on it. There was a blog post questioning why Shaq was with the police. There was another more credible news outlet which seemed to have Shaq's entire police history. Apparently in LA someone complained about Shaq being in the police car when they were arrested, but the court said Shaq was an official sheriff's deputy of that county and thus had every right to be there. Finally, one other site talked about how the raid shows the unreliability of using IP address as a trace method. In any case, is there anything more scary for the stereotypical child molester than a 7 foot, 350 pound black man kicking down your door? Mark Foley apparently won't know though, since they couldn't seem to get his address right.

In other Shaq related news, the Moneyball theory was taken to a new level as a computer simulation replaced Shaq in the starting lineup for the Heat with Alonzo Mourning. David Stern declined to comment, but I will. As someone who has programmed computers before, I feel I'm quite qualified. My freshman year 3D Tic-Tac Toe computer game netted me an A...

This was despite a huge bug where the computer doesn't ever try to block you if you make a line from right to left, and also 3D had nothing to do with graphics, just the fact that the game has one more dimension to win with like 3 boards on top of each other, anyway I'm sure that was more confusing than helpful.

It's pretty obvious the sorts of numbers that the computer used to come to this conclusion. The amount of unecessary fist pumps after scoring, number of bicep flexing poses, ridiculous displays of emotion, and finally noise created after scoring any basket. These are all categories that Mourning absolutely trumps Shaq in.

In other basketball talk, someone in my fantasy league was trying to trade for Kevin Martin, saying he's a bench player and thus not worth a whole lot. This was countered with "Do you really think John Salmons is going to keep his starting job?". Funny, since the last post coincidentally talked about how much more talented Fred Jones is. This inspired me to google "John Salmons". Of course the first thing to come up was his ESPN.com profile which netted these great pictures.









That's right, 2 out of the 3 pictures are of Salmons being blocked, and the other is him getting shot right over.

His preseason stats? (From NBA.com)

Date	Opponent	Result	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	FTM-A	OFF	DEF	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PF	PTS
Oct 27	vs.POR	W 84-78	28	2-6	0-3	4-8	0	1	1	1	2	1	0	1	8
Oct 25	@ SEA	L 103-88	22	1-2	0-0	2-3	0	0	0	1	2	0	2	1	4
Oct 24	vs.NOK	L 81-84	23	2-5	1-1	0-0	0	3	3	4	1	1	3	4	5

I also found this hilarious article on raptorshq.com entitled the 'The Importance of John Salmons'. Which besides the title, is hilarious on all sorts of levels. Among them is why blogs will never be considered serious journalism, except by lazy journalists and conspiracy theorists (why are you reading this then? I never said I was a journalist)

As a comparison, Fred Jones' ESPN.com profile has some rather tame pictures of him dribbling, another one fighting for a loose ball and finally him trying to posterize a New Jersey Net who has probably been cut by the time you read this (Awvee Storey, if he's still on the roster, gimme a shout). On a wholly unscientific basis, it would seem that Fred Jones is far less of a liability than fishboy.

Anyway, I just devoted like 3 paragraphs on John Salmons hate, so I think it's time to move on...

The Leafs lost back-to-back games with the Senators and Buffalo just won 10 in a row. The question begs to be asked "can MLSE buy the Buffalo Sabres and swap the teams entirely?" The current Leafs will become the Sabres and vice-versa. Also, once the Sabres become the new Leafs, what will screw up so that they lose and start to suck?

Finally, Devin wanted me to mention that Monday night football on ESPN was the most watched show in US Cable history. Of course, Cable in the US is hundreds of channels of crap and spanish shows versus only dozens of channels of crap on Network TV until 24 comes back on.

The Double Post (It's that long!): More Unsolicited Commentary

Where to start? It's been a crazy week in sports with all the overlap going on, so I suppose I'll start with basketball. Since it's the preseason, it's like the introduction to the season and it can be the introduction to this.

First, there's the Raps. Still undefeated. I went to a preseason game with Devo on Sunday and they beat the Cleveland Lebrons (If Kobe with the Anaheim games is any indication of negotiations to come, Lebron will be in a postion to demand that the team that he signs his next contract with rename the franchise after him). Fred Jones looks better and better every game. Why Colangelo even bothered to look at someone sharing a name with a popular bagel topping ingredient is beyond me. The bench looks strong, keeping fairly close with the Cleveland starters. There's no doubt in my mind that the playoffs are in reach.

Another question that begs to be asked is why Utah traded Kris Humphries for Rafael Araujo. Humphries might have not shown much in Utah, but at least he's a warm body capable of playing basketball. Don't get me wrong, it's the preseason, so I'm not sold yet. However, Araujo is no better than a oversized corpse. I think I saw more dunks by Humphries yesterday than Crappa Araujo ever threw down in his Raptors career. I wouldn't quite call it a steal yet because who knows how much time Humphries will get come the regular season, but man, Araujo...

Second is this report about Sebastian Telfair being involved in the shooting of the rapper Fabolous. There's a few possible explanations I can think of. First, maybe Danny Ainge forgot to tell him he's a Celtic now and they just do things differently in Boston than in Portland. It's also possible that he just didn't like Fabolous' last album as much as his debut. Quite understandable, it wasn't as good. He's working on a new one that's supposed to be released in the near future, so maybe Sebastian is just giving him a hip-hop reminder to improve. The last possible explanation would be to further distance himself from cousin Starbury. "I can shoot someone, but I'm still less poisonous to a team than my cousin". Furthermore, who wants to even be remotely associated with the New York Knicks these days?

Moving on, we had a pretty unremarkable week in the NFL... UNLESS YOU COUNT A FREAKIN' 62 YARD GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL. What the heck!? Maybe it's not going to be the Eagles' year again? Seriously, that was unbelievable. I don't even know what else to say. These are the Eagles, not the Cardinals... different birds... different birds...

Besides that, a bunch of people were suspended including Koren Robinson for the entire year which sparked a Brett Favre tirade. Shawne Merriman is also out for four games for taking steroids. That's right, Koren Robinson has one too many beers and now can't even workout with his teammates, while Shawne Merriman cheats and will be back in a month. In any case, I suppose now we know the secret ingredient to his defensive rookie of the year performance. The Colonel's blend 11 herbs and spices are next. Those pieces of chicken are damn big, Chicken Growth Hormone anyone?

With regards to football north, that is the CFL. I'm looking to go to the last game of the Argos regular season to watch Ricky Williams play. There's a deal at Popeye's for like 15 pieces of chicken, 10 biscuits and 4 tickets for like 30 bucks. If anyone knows what to do with about like 5 extra biscuits, do tell.

Also in Canada. I was informed by Devin that the University of Toronto Varsity Blues yet again let their opponents score more than 300 points against them. He played on the team in 2000 and that year they set a new record, which has since been shattered like 5 times in the past 6 years. Yay alma matter!

Since we're on the subject of Canada, there's some Hockey news. Bobby Clarke and his crony Ken Hitchcock are out in Philly. It's funny because I was just discussing with my buddy like last week about how "Bobby Clarke has been GM forever". It makes me think, maybe I should've said "Babcock has been the Raps GM for a while now" when he was around to have got things in motion sooner. In any case John Ferguson Jr has been GM for a while now... Seriously, can you forgive this man for that Owen Nolan trade? I would go as far as to say it would be hard for Jesus to forgive him. Like He would, being the Son of God and all, but it wouldn't be easy.

Finally, to close, we have the World Series. First, a girl I know who lives in Michigan but orignally came from Asia went to a bar in Downtown Detroit to watch the Tigers. She told me she was really scared. I told her, "Are you really surprised? It's a slum that might rival Calcutta".

Anyway, Kenny Rogers had a dirt like substance on his hand in the first innning. There's no way High-Def TV can miss stuff like that when it picks up stuff like Lindsay Lohan's freckles and Cameron Diaz's acne scarring. In the first inning his pitches were "doing interesting things". He washed it off after the 1st and proceeded to still pitch 7 more scoreless innings, so the biggest deal is probably "what kind of controversy can we make up to make sure people watch?" This also reminds me of the time in high school my friend observed someone eating a sandwich with dirty hands and asked "Don't you wash your hands before you eat?" and the guy replied "Oh that's from work", as if that explained everything. "From work", as in the day before. That only raised more questions.

In any case, for all you fellow Jays boosters out there, Joltin' Joe Carter's home run off Mitch Williams was #5 on ESPN.com's greatest baseball playoff performances. (Does that make Mitch Williams' one of the worst?)

'Till next time, I'm out like Mark Foley from the closet. (No Homo)

Another Quick Take

1. Cardinals lose after being up 20-0
Matt Leinhart looks good doesn't he? Too bad he's on Arizona. Rex Grossman has 6 turnovers and was terrible, only the Cardinals could screw that up. I know it's golf, but I'm beginning to think that if you were to make Tiger Woods wear a Cardinals jersey, he'd never win another tournament again.

2. North Korean Nuclear Test
Kim Jong Il, the only challenge to Tiger Woods' golf supremacy, scares the world with what might be a nuclear test. Question, when did the world become the US, Japan, South Korea and China? This has nothing to do with sports, but man, that Kim Jong Il golf thing always makes me laugh.

3. Raptors' Preseason
I'm excited. My brother got seasons' tickets. Steve Kerr says #2 . Even PJ Tucker and Kris Humphries have contributed in games. I think PJ Tucker is a huge upgrade over Hoffa Araujo. They don't play the same postion you say? Well think about it this way: If PJ Tucker is confined to the bench because there isn't enough time to go around, then when he does play he will probably put up better numbers than Hoffa's all-time best Quintuple-Single.

4. Clippers blown out by Russians
What a joke. Everyone made fun of the Raptors losing to Maccabi Tel Aviv last year, at least that was by a buzzer beater. The Clippers starters were already down by 10 at the half. Pathetic. Either that, or Ivan Drago, Red Scorpion and Omega Red are playing basketball now.

5. Chuck Hayes starts at C for Rockets
He's 6'6". Yes, a whole foot shorter than Yao Ming. Are you still going to look at Juwan Howard in fantasy leagues? In any case, Chuck Hayes is my boy (according to some readers). Who is Chuck Hayes? The website will tell all (if not all, then something).

6. Google Buys YouTube for 1.65 Billion
That's a lot of money. This isn't really sports news, except my buddy sent me this hilarious video on YouTube, starring my other "boy" Vince Carter.

7. Massive College Football Brawl
Of course it involves Miami, aka Thug U. However, it also involved FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY. Yes. Flortida International. You thought the Gators or the Seminoles were the big in-state rivals? No! "Soylent Green is People!", "It was Earth after all!" I don't know... it's just weird and unlikely.

8. Corey Lidle Dies in Plane Crash
Speaking of weird and unlikely... It's always sad to see a former Jay go, even if he had like one season here.

9. Double Take Readers admonish writer for putting Corey Lidle story so low, vow revenge
Pfft, what can six people do? That includes that iMac guy who left a comment a couple weeks ago.

10. Detroit Tigers Sweep A's
Yet again Billy Beane can't assemble a World Series team. Show me the money? I suppose making it to the ALCS is good enough if the fans keep coming.

11. Hockey season started (2 weeks ago)
Yes, that's why it's story #11, there's never a story 11, but this is where I felt is should be.

Weak Sophmore Efforts

I just listened to the new Killers album that just came out, Sam's Town. I held off on listening to single "When You Were Young", just so I could enjoy it more when the whole thing came out; I was pumped. Hot Fuss is still one of my top playlists on iTunes. All the hype was building up in my head, I should've known better. Disappointment was inevitable. Even seeing the track titled "Bling (Confessions of a King)" didn't deter me. Finally, after pressing play did it all set in... the album just wasn't all that great.

It makes me think of all the weak 2nd efforts out there. My buddy Sean was the king of getting those albums of bands after their really huge hit. Remember the Presidents of the United States and that song Peaches? Yeah, it was huge. Sean got the album AFTER that. I don't even know what it's called or what songs are on it, but he has it. There's Oasis' What's the Story (Morning Glory) with Wonderwall and Champagne Supernova and all those big ones, not their debut, but easily their top album. Sean? Album after that.

It's not just music. The sports landscape is littered with these breakthrough and fall apart guys. It's in every sport too, football, baseball, basketball, hockey, whatever. One of my favourites comes from an unlikely sport, Golf. David Duval was such a golden boy that one year. With every win, everyone was talking "Tiger Killer" (on a side note, how many years have we heard the phrase "Tiger Killer" now?). The guy was young, brash, perhaps best of all, white. His sunglasses net him a deal with Oakley. Even my brother, overall pretty ignornant in golf, was talking. What's has happened since? I think I saw him begging for change beside a highway offramp. Seriously though, "bum" is an apt way to describe his followup performance.

In the NFL right now, there's Michael Clayton on the Bucaneers. He's probably responsible for at least 4 fantasy football owners' broken hands from hitting a table when watching him play. Closer to home on the Blue Jays we had Hinske (who actually did decently this year, I was always a big fan even when Matt was not), and Russ Adams.

There's always hope though, Look at the NBA. Carmelo easily could've been rookie of the year. He took the Nuggets from being a laughingstock to the playoffs. Granted, he didn't do it alone, but he was huge. Year after, the guy decides to spend his endorsement money on donuts or something and relegates himself to taking awful jumpshots because he's so out of shape. If the World championships are any indication though (and I hope they are, because I'm a big Yao fan and there's always my Raps), Carmelo is back to take the crown from "King" James.

Here's to hoping that whatever follow up to Sam's Town will be Melo-esque rather than more of the same. In any case, at least they didn't Ryan Leaf-it and blow it on the first go.

This column is dedicated to my buddy Matt's famous album, released to critical disdain. Track 4 was atrocious, buddy!

Stupid Coach Tricks

While watching the Bengals-Patriots debacle, they showed a short featuring a Cincy offensive lineman with a shovel. Apparently this shovel symbolizes "the need to dig deep". What is with these strange motivational tactics coaches come up with? Remember Pat Riley and the bowl full of NBA championship stickers? To this day I still don't really understand how it relates to winning. At least the shovel thing makes sense, shovels are for digging, but championship stickers in a bowl? Sticking? Bowling? I guess championing? The whole thing makes less sense than a drunken Jake the Snake monologue.

There's some other classics too. One of my favourites was Jack Del Rio's wood chopping thing in the locker room. After Jacksonville fell to an 0 - 3 start in 2003. Jack brought in a tree stump and an axe to the locker room. The motto? "Keep Chopping Wood". Yes, you read that correctly. Eventually the whole thing came to an end when the punter, Chris Hanson chopped his own leg opening a huge gash. I suppose the worst that could happen with a sticker is getting some adhesive in your eye.

Other Happenings around the league:

T.O.'s non-attempted suicide
If he was depressed, it was probably because of Drew Bledsoe. Maybe Drew felt responsible for what happened and tried his best not to suck this week.

Vince Young starting QB
I'm taking a human resources course. When you bring in a QB with no history with the coordinator or coach and make him the starter, it's called called constructive dismissal. Billy Volek could sue. Of course he's still getting paid millions, so I guess it's not so bad. Anyway, who didn't see young starting?

Matt Leinhart taking over from Warner
To this day, who knows how Warner got those Super Bowls, do you?

Jerome Bettis on 'The Office'
This has nothing to do with the NFL really. I just saw the season premiere of the show and it was hilarious. The whole thing with coming out of the closet and calling people 'faggy'? Comedy gold.

Shaun Alexander and the Madden Curse
It's about time they put some lovable white dude on the cover. Someone like Tom Brady. Really, I just want to see Brady get hurt. God, I hate him, Bill Belichick and their sex slave Bill Simmons.

Culpepper loses against the Texans
Daunte, baby... this is the Texans. Did you see what Brunell did to them? This was your chance to have a career day and silence critics. Sure your O-Line is awful, but you blew it. It'll be fun to see Joey Harrington play with a team that tries though.

Before I'm out, let me tell you something. The most exciting time of the year is coming. My buddy Matt just sent out an email about out yearly fantasy basketball pool. That means the football and basketball season will overlap and females around North America will be ordering those seasons of 'Sex in the City' on DVD that they don't have yet. Awesome!