The Double Take

Bracket Busters

2007-03-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

How about that cinderella story of Marist's developing after their defeat of Middle Tennessee State? Did anyone see that coming? They could be this years version of TCU. "Hold on a sec," you're asking, "These teams aren't in the NCAA tournament, I don't even think they're in the NIT..." That's where you're wrong, Marist certainly is in the NIT. However, I was referring to the oft overlooked women's NCAA tournament. That's right, Women's March Madness. Were you surprised it exists? I was too when I found out. Honestly, it just kills me when outlets like ESPN put it on their front page and pretend like anyone cares. Any woman who happens to somehow accidently stumble on this column might think "another rant from a woman hater". I would like to think this is just a rant of a women's basketball hater.

I will confess to have repeatedly made fun of the WNBA, there's no point in denying it. I can honestly say that I have good reason to. Women's basketball is simply massively inferior to the men's game. I'm not trying to be sexist here, but I don't know a single female basketball fan who could even pretend to care about women's basketball. As I said, the reason is simple, the product it crap.

Apologists will say "women's basketball is a more fundamental game than the men's". Bullshit. Diana Taurasi is one of the WNBA's top guards and she averages an amazing 4.5 assists per game. I'm pretty sure passing the ball is the most fundamental skill a point guard should have. Sheryl Swoopes, one of the best players in WNBA history had an astounding 39% field goal percentage. As I understand layups and jumpers are pretty fundamental skills as well. 39% means you probably have enough bricks to build a neighborhood, nevermind a house.

You might also argue "you can't compare women with men". I wholeheartedly agree, you can't. The problem is that since women's hoops isn't really a fundamental game, then what is it? It's missing all the real fundamental things that make men's basketball enjoyable: Alley-oops, power dunks, wild circus shots. Women's golf and tennis are two far more popular women's sports and it's not all because of Maria Sharapova and Michelle Wie (did you know she's only 16 you sick bastard?). It's because the essence of the game is still there. Sure, you're missing the 400 yard drives and 200 mph serves, but you don't need those to enjoy the technical aspects of the game. A volley is still a volley and a lob, a lob. You don't get aberrations like a layup touching the rim and the commentators act like a backboard shattering dunk just happened.

The product isn't much better than a decent pickup game at the park. I'm not saying that women should stop playing basketball or the WNBA should fold (although if it did, would anyone notice?), that would be terrible. Women need an outlet to compete just as men do. However, it's time to stop acting like anyone cares. ESPN isn't putting world swimming championships or the Brier Cup of curling boldly on the front page, it shouldn't be doing it with women's March Madness either.

Blockbusters, Brawls and Baseballs

2006-12-20T09:09:00.000-08:00

It's official, it's the end of an era. Iverson has been traded to Denver. All those kids will be trading in their Sixers jerseys for Nugget baby blue. Now the question is, can Melo and AI co-exist?... The truth is, that's not the real question at all. Everyone should be asking "How will Isiah try to get in on this?" Who can see Isiah trying to ride the coattails on this and trade for Nene and the throw-in guy the Nuggets got for whatever picks the Knicks have in the next 4 drafts? Then, when people question his move he'll claim "Well, I got the most talent in the deal". Who can't see this? Really? The next question that's burning in my head is: "Did you see those highlight packages?" There were like a million Iverson dunks! I can't imagine how old those clips are. That is definitely not the player the Nuggets are getting because I haven't seen AI throw one down in like the last 6 years. Talk about digging into the vault.

In other Denver Nugget news, they were involved in an ugly fight at MSG that could've been a boxing match. Except it was a really girly boxing match where we learned Carmelo Anthony is much more a scorer than a fighter (or a rebounder, or a passer...). Although it could be Mardy Collins didn't crumple from the blow because he's from Temple, and nobody gives Temple any credit. Sure, Temple's most memorable recent NBA product besides Collins has been Rick Brunson, but does that mean the school lacks toughness? You thought what Isiah was a terrible coach for allegedly warning Anthony not to drive? Well John Chaney at Temple actually sent in a thug who proceeded to foul out in a minute or so and in the process, break an opposing players arm. That's the kind of program Mardy came up in. Tough cookie and willing to do dirty work, that Mardy Collins might have already secured himself a contract extension if Isiah sticks around. Jerome James.

Finally, there's been a wave of Baseball signings. One involving my hometown Blue Jays laying down some serious dough making Vernon Wells one of the highest paid players in the game. Crazy? Well, Devin said it best when he said "Vernon Wells will make more at one at-bat than I can forsee myself making in an entire year in the near future." Assuming 500 at-bats, Wells would make 36,000 a plate appearence. Overpaid? or is Devin just underpaid?

And who gets the sense that Kansas City Royals GM Allard Baird gets his advice from guys like Matt Millen, Charley Casserley, Isiah, and Scott Layden? Seriously. Last year JP Riccardi justified paying a premium for BJ Ryan and AJ Burnett because you need to attract people to come to Canada. Apparently the truth this year is that "It's just how baseball rolls". Gil Meche is getting paid 11 million a year. Gil. Meche. Last years ERA: 4.48.

Now for my real conclusion, although it comes far too late (but as you all know, that's just how the Double Take rolls), speaking of Casserley and the Texans, did anyone catch the Week 14 highlights of Vince Young running for a 39-yard TD against his hometown team that passed him over, in his hometown? Then proceeding to tear off his helmet and scream "THIS IS MY HOUSE, THIS IS MY HOUSE" while high-fiving fans in the stands? There were maybe 4 ways it could have ended worse for Houston (in no particular order): 1. Vince Young stiffarms Mario Williams on that run and hurting him. 2. Vince Young blowing Houston out from the start 278-12 (It would have to be a really huge margin to be worse than a comeback) 3. Vince Young stiffarms David Carr on that run and hurting him. 4. The Texans win the cointoss in OT and on the proceeding set David Carr throws a pass that is intercepted by Vince Young who stiffarms David Carr on the return and hurting him. Only 4 ways.

Killing the Big Man

2006-11-27T00:03:00.000-08:00

Last week little Nate Robinson blocked Yao Ming. Most people will call it clean, many will argue otherwise. Either way, nothing was called and the block is on the books. If you still don't believe it, you can watch the 200 videos people posted on YouTube. In being a bit of a Yao Ming apologist, being blocked by a smaller guy happens all the time. I know I stuffed some guy at the gym who was taller, but I guess he wasn't like 2 feet taller.

I then looked at the comments posted. Most consisted of the "LOLZ! stupid giant chinaman get stuffed, GO NATE DOG" along with the "Get a life, the Knicks lost and still suck" replies. There were also had related videos such as "Eddy Curry Destroys Yao Ming". The comments were even more hilarious. The video was about a year old so there was stuff like "Proof Eddy will dominate the L in a year", "Emerging as the #1 big man", pure comedy gold. The replies were just as good, "Great, That was one of his 6 points in the game", "Get a life, the Knicks lost and still suck", that one seems to come up a lot. After reading those comments and seeing the title of the Curry video, I first thought "Man, that shit is almost as racist as Kramer". I mean let's face it, Curry isn't destroying anything except the future of the Knicks. Then I watched the Kramer video again, laughed my ass off and thought "Damn, I got to be kidding myself, it's not even close, but it's still racist".

Then I looking up stuff on Google when I was presented with a torrent of more Nate Robinson embarassing Yao tripe. It was then I realized, "This shit isn't racism, people don't hate Yao cause he's Chinese, people hate him because he's a centre". It should have been so obvious. Looking at other big men, it's no wonder why they dump the hatorade over Yao. As much respect as Dwight Howard has in the league and in the rags, Amare sans knee is still getting more love. Sure, he plays on a better team, but Howard is putting up 20-20 games. It's simple though, Amare is routinely throwing down highlight reel dunks whereas Dwight plays a very deliberate (read: boring) low-post game. And both these guys are niggers. ("Oh it shocks you doesn't it, it shocks you... what lies buried," that honestly was one of the greatest moments in the history of internet media)

I wondered how I could've overlooked this. I, being one of the Iverson generation of hoopsters. When I was a young buck, we'd all be on the court impersonating our favourite guards. "I'm just like Starbury, you can't stop me" (What a mistake that turned out to be) or even "Oh I just went (Damon) Stoudimire on you". No one ever pretended to be Hakeem or even KG. Olajuwon won two freakin' championships! That's basically the root of the problem. Because of MJ, the backcourt and swingmen are the glam positions. People believe big guys aren't ncessary to carry the team. Of course, since MJ, championship names like Shaq and Duncan keep coming up (That's another problem altogether, the fact that Duncan is about as exciting a rotting corpse). The search for the next MJ has been a lot more exciting than the search for the next Kareem. The sorts of names on the headstones of "next MJ" graveyard are littered with highlight reelers like Vince Carter. While the neighboring cemetary has luminaries such as Marcus Camby and Eric Montross buried there.

No doubt there's some hate of Yao because he's yellow, because he's not from 'round here, because he doesn't speak english very well. But I don't really think it's any more than people wanting to see him go down because he was picked #1 with a lot of hype. In the meantime we'll all have to put up with videos of Yao being blocked by a guy who had so many attempts in the dunk contest last year he made "Birdman" Chris Andersen look like he just eased into things.

(I don't care how short and how much people love what he did, 14 attempts, that's getting to WNBA levels...)

No Fantasy

2006-11-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

Before I get started, let me apologize for the abortion of a formatting job last time. I tried to do some fancy webpage stuff but it blew up in my face like a Humvee in Iraq. Let this be a lesson to you, don't try to do anything new, you'll just screw up and regret it.

Fantasy, the word implies something magical. Something wonderful and amazing. Which makes you wonder why you have they call it "fantasy sports". I suppose it's because people always dream about being a GM, but how often are you left feeling positive when you play.

Basketball season has started, which means fantasy basketball has too. Anyone who drafted Boris Diaw or Gerald Wallace, solid 3rd round guys. are pretty upset right now. Then you're playing Rasheed Wallace one week, who you figure is going to be ejected 25 times this season, and he's dropping 25 points, 4 blocks and something crazy on you.

Hockey season has been going on for a while and my buddy has this gem to share on MSN: "How my goalies got their groove back: Me not starting any of them ... figures they both play amazing", how many times have we thought the same thing?

Then there's the ballad of Ocho Cinco. Everyone drafted him high but Carson Palmer and the Bengals have been bungling and CJ just hasn't seen the end zone very often. This also disappoints fans of Dancing with the Stars because if he isn't able to showcase his moves, he might lose that lock in 7 years if the show is still around.

They really should come up with a new name for leagues. "Misery Basketball" or "Frustration Football" are some candidates I thought of.

Surgeon General's Warning: Fantasy Sports may cause irreversible brain damage and hair loss. It might also contribute to unforseen bowel movements.

The Double Post Part Deux: Shaq Attack and Gone Fishin'

2006-10-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

So just about every news outlet has talked about Shaq being on a botched child pornography raid. It's pretty amazing, I've seen about 200 different takes on it. There was a blog post questioning why Shaq was with the police. There was another more credible news outlet which seemed to have Shaq's entire police history. Apparently in LA someone complained about Shaq being in the police car when they were arrested, but the court said Shaq was an official sheriff's deputy of that county and thus had every right to be there. Finally, one other site talked about how the raid shows the unreliability of using IP address as a trace method. In any case, is there anything more scary for the stereotypical child molester than a 7 foot, 350 pound black man kicking down your door? Mark Foley apparently won't know though, since they couldn't seem to get his address right.

In other Shaq related news, the Moneyball theory was taken to a new level as a computer simulation replaced Shaq in the starting lineup for the Heat with Alonzo Mourning. David Stern declined to comment, but I will. As someone who has programmed computers before, I feel I'm quite qualified. My freshman year 3D Tic-Tac Toe computer game netted me an A...

This was despite a huge bug where the computer doesn't ever try to block you if you make a line from right to left, and also 3D had nothing to do with graphics, just the fact that the game has one more dimension to win with like 3 boards on top of each other, anyway I'm sure that was more confusing than helpful.

It's pretty obvious the sorts of numbers that the computer used to come to this conclusion. The amount of unecessary fist pumps after scoring, number of bicep flexing poses, ridiculous displays of emotion, and finally noise created after scoring any basket. These are all categories that Mourning absolutely trumps Shaq in.

In other basketball talk, someone in my fantasy league was trying to trade for Kevin Martin, saying he's a bench player and thus not worth a whole lot. This was countered with "Do you really think John Salmons is going to keep his starting job?". Funny, since the last post coincidentally talked about how much more talented Fred Jones is. This inspired me to google "John Salmons". Of course the first thing to come up was his ESPN.com profile which netted these great pictures.

That's right, 2 out of the 3 pictures are of Salmons being blocked, and the other is him getting shot right over.

His preseason stats? (From NBA.com)

Date	Opponent	Result	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	FTM-A	OFF	DEF	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PF	PTS
Oct 27	vs.POR	W 84-78	28	2-6	0-3	4-8	0	1	1	1	2	1	0	1	8
Oct 25	@ SEA	L 103-88	22	1-2	0-0	2-3	0	0	0	1	2	0	2	1	4
Oct 24	vs.NOK	L 81-84	23	2-5	1-1	0-0	0	3	3	4	1	1	3	4	5

I also found this hilarious article on raptorshq.com entitled the 'The Importance of John Salmons'. Which besides the title, is hilarious on all sorts of levels. Among them is why blogs will never be considered serious journalism, except by lazy journalists and conspiracy theorists (why are you reading this then? I never said I was a journalist)

As a comparison, Fred Jones' ESPN.com profile has some rather tame pictures of him dribbling, another one fighting for a loose ball and finally him trying to posterize a New Jersey Net who has probably been cut by the time you read this (Awvee Storey, if he's still on the roster, gimme a shout). On a wholly unscientific basis, it would seem that Fred Jones is far less of a liability than fishboy.

Anyway, I just devoted like 3 paragraphs on John Salmons hate, so I think it's time to move on...

The Leafs lost back-to-back games with the Senators and Buffalo just won 10 in a row. The question begs to be asked "can MLSE buy the Buffalo Sabres and swap the teams entirely?" The current Leafs will become the Sabres and vice-versa. Also, once the Sabres become the new Leafs, what will screw up so that they lose and start to suck?

Finally, Devin wanted me to mention that Monday night football on ESPN was the most watched show in US Cable history. Of course, Cable in the US is hundreds of channels of crap and spanish shows versus only dozens of channels of crap on Network TV until 24 comes back on.

The Double Post (It's that long!): More Unsolicited Commentary

2006-10-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

Where to start? It's been a crazy week in sports with all the overlap going on, so I suppose I'll start with basketball. Since it's the preseason, it's like the introduction to the season and it can be the introduction to this.

First, there's the Raps. Still undefeated. I went to a preseason game with Devo on Sunday and they beat the Cleveland Lebrons (If Kobe with the Anaheim games is any indication of negotiations to come, Lebron will be in a postion to demand that the team that he signs his next contract with rename the franchise after him). Fred Jones looks better and better every game. Why Colangelo even bothered to look at someone sharing a name with a popular bagel topping ingredient is beyond me. The bench looks strong, keeping fairly close with the Cleveland starters. There's no doubt in my mind that the playoffs are in reach.

Another question that begs to be asked is why Utah traded Kris Humphries for Rafael Araujo. Humphries might have not shown much in Utah, but at least he's a warm body capable of playing basketball. Don't get me wrong, it's the preseason, so I'm not sold yet. However, Araujo is no better than a oversized corpse. I think I saw more dunks by Humphries yesterday than Crappa Araujo ever threw down in his Raptors career. I wouldn't quite call it a steal yet because who knows how much time Humphries will get come the regular season, but man, Araujo...

Second is this report about Sebastian Telfair being involved in the shooting of the rapper Fabolous. There's a few possible explanations I can think of. First, maybe Danny Ainge forgot to tell him he's a Celtic now and they just do things differently in Boston than in Portland. It's also possible that he just didn't like Fabolous' last album as much as his debut. Quite understandable, it wasn't as good. He's working on a new one that's supposed to be released in the near future, so maybe Sebastian is just giving him a hip-hop reminder to improve. The last possible explanation would be to further distance himself from cousin Starbury. "I can shoot someone, but I'm still less poisonous to a team than my cousin". Furthermore, who wants to even be remotely associated with the New York Knicks these days?

Moving on, we had a pretty unremarkable week in the NFL... UNLESS YOU COUNT A FREAKIN' 62 YARD GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL. What the heck!? Maybe it's not going to be the Eagles' year again? Seriously, that was unbelievable. I don't even know what else to say. These are the Eagles, not the Cardinals... different birds... different birds...

Besides that, a bunch of people were suspended including Koren Robinson for the entire year which sparked a Brett Favre tirade. Shawne Merriman is also out for four games for taking steroids. That's right, Koren Robinson has one too many beers and now can't even workout with his teammates, while Shawne Merriman cheats and will be back in a month. In any case, I suppose now we know the secret ingredient to his defensive rookie of the year performance. The Colonel's blend 11 herbs and spices are next. Those pieces of chicken are damn big, Chicken Growth Hormone anyone?

With regards to football north, that is the CFL. I'm looking to go to the last game of the Argos regular season to watch Ricky Williams play. There's a deal at Popeye's for like 15 pieces of chicken, 10 biscuits and 4 tickets for like 30 bucks. If anyone knows what to do with about like 5 extra biscuits, do tell.

Also in Canada. I was informed by Devin that the University of Toronto Varsity Blues yet again let their opponents score more than 300 points against them. He played on the team in 2000 and that year they set a new record, which has since been shattered like 5 times in the past 6 years. Yay alma matter!

Since we're on the subject of Canada, there's some Hockey news. Bobby Clarke and his crony Ken Hitchcock are out in Philly. It's funny because I was just discussing with my buddy like last week about how "Bobby Clarke has been GM forever". It makes me think, maybe I should've said "Babcock has been the Raps GM for a while now" when he was around to have got things in motion sooner. In any case John Ferguson Jr has been GM for a while now... Seriously, can you forgive this man for that Owen Nolan trade? I would go as far as to say it would be hard for Jesus to forgive him. Like He would, being the Son of God and all, but it wouldn't be easy.

Finally, to close, we have the World Series. First, a girl I know who lives in Michigan but orignally came from Asia went to a bar in Downtown Detroit to watch the Tigers. She told me she was really scared. I told her, "Are you really surprised? It's a slum that might rival Calcutta".

Anyway, Kenny Rogers had a dirt like substance on his hand in the first innning. There's no way High-Def TV can miss stuff like that when it picks up stuff like Lindsay Lohan's freckles and Cameron Diaz's acne scarring. In the first inning his pitches were "doing interesting things". He washed it off after the 1st and proceeded to still pitch 7 more scoreless innings, so the biggest deal is probably "what kind of controversy can we make up to make sure people watch?" This also reminds me of the time in high school my friend observed someone eating a sandwich with dirty hands and asked "Don't you wash your hands before you eat?" and the guy replied "Oh that's from work", as if that explained everything. "From work", as in the day before. That only raised more questions.

In any case, for all you fellow Jays boosters out there, Joltin' Joe Carter's home run off Mitch Williams was #5 on ESPN.com's greatest baseball playoff performances. (Does that make Mitch Williams' one of the worst?)

'Till next time, I'm out like Mark Foley from the closet. (No Homo)

Another Quick Take

2006-10-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

1. Cardinals lose after being up 20-0
Matt Leinhart looks good doesn't he? Too bad he's on Arizona. Rex Grossman has 6 turnovers and was terrible, only the Cardinals could screw that up. I know it's golf, but I'm beginning to think that if you were to make Tiger Woods wear a Cardinals jersey, he'd never win another tournament again.

2. North Korean Nuclear Test
Kim Jong Il, the only challenge to Tiger Woods' golf supremacy, scares the world with what might be a nuclear test. Question, when did the world become the US, Japan, South Korea and China? This has nothing to do with sports, but man, that Kim Jong Il golf thing always makes me laugh.

3. Raptors' Preseason
I'm excited. My brother got seasons' tickets. Steve Kerr says #2 . Even PJ Tucker and Kris Humphries have contributed in games. I think PJ Tucker is a huge upgrade over Hoffa Araujo. They don't play the same postion you say? Well think about it this way: If PJ Tucker is confined to the bench because there isn't enough time to go around, then when he does play he will probably put up better numbers than Hoffa's all-time best Quintuple-Single.

4. Clippers blown out by Russians
What a joke. Everyone made fun of the Raptors losing to Maccabi Tel Aviv last year, at least that was by a buzzer beater. The Clippers starters were already down by 10 at the half. Pathetic. Either that, or Ivan Drago, Red Scorpion and Omega Red are playing basketball now.

5. Chuck Hayes starts at C for Rockets
He's 6'6". Yes, a whole foot shorter than Yao Ming. Are you still going to look at Juwan Howard in fantasy leagues? In any case, Chuck Hayes is my boy (according to some readers). Who is Chuck Hayes? The website will tell all (if not all, then something).

6. Google Buys YouTube for 1.65 Billion
That's a lot of money. This isn't really sports news, except my buddy sent me this hilarious video on YouTube, starring my other "boy" Vince Carter.

7. Massive College Football Brawl
Of course it involves Miami, aka Thug U. However, it also involved FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY. Yes. Flortida International. You thought the Gators or the Seminoles were the big in-state rivals? No! "Soylent Green is People!", "It was Earth after all!" I don't know... it's just weird and unlikely.

8. Corey Lidle Dies in Plane Crash
Speaking of weird and unlikely... It's always sad to see a former Jay go, even if he had like one season here.

9. Double Take Readers admonish writer for putting Corey Lidle story so low, vow revenge
Pfft, what can six people do? That includes that iMac guy who left a comment a couple weeks ago.

10. Detroit Tigers Sweep A's
Yet again Billy Beane can't assemble a World Series team. Show me the money? I suppose making it to the ALCS is good enough if the fans keep coming.

11. Hockey season started (2 weeks ago)
Yes, that's why it's story #11, there's never a story 11, but this is where I felt is should be.

Weak Sophmore Efforts

2006-10-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

I just listened to the new Killers album that just came out, Sam's Town. I held off on listening to single "When You Were Young", just so I could enjoy it more when the whole thing came out; I was pumped. Hot Fuss is still one of my top playlists on iTunes. All the hype was building up in my head, I should've known better. Disappointment was inevitable. Even seeing the track titled "Bling (Confessions of a King)" didn't deter me. Finally, after pressing play did it all set in... the album just wasn't all that great.

It makes me think of all the weak 2nd efforts out there. My buddy Sean was the king of getting those albums of bands after their really huge hit. Remember the Presidents of the United States and that song Peaches? Yeah, it was huge. Sean got the album AFTER that. I don't even know what it's called or what songs are on it, but he has it. There's Oasis' What's the Story (Morning Glory) with Wonderwall and Champagne Supernova and all those big ones, not their debut, but easily their top album. Sean? Album after that.

It's not just music. The sports landscape is littered with these breakthrough and fall apart guys. It's in every sport too, football, baseball, basketball, hockey, whatever. One of my favourites comes from an unlikely sport, Golf. David Duval was such a golden boy that one year. With every win, everyone was talking "Tiger Killer" (on a side note, how many years have we heard the phrase "Tiger Killer" now?). The guy was young, brash, perhaps best of all, white. His sunglasses net him a deal with Oakley. Even my brother, overall pretty ignornant in golf, was talking. What's has happened since? I think I saw him begging for change beside a highway offramp. Seriously though, "bum" is an apt way to describe his followup performance.

In the NFL right now, there's Michael Clayton on the Bucaneers. He's probably responsible for at least 4 fantasy football owners' broken hands from hitting a table when watching him play. Closer to home on the Blue Jays we had Hinske (who actually did decently this year, I was always a big fan even when Matt was not), and Russ Adams.

There's always hope though, Look at the NBA. Carmelo easily could've been rookie of the year. He took the Nuggets from being a laughingstock to the playoffs. Granted, he didn't do it alone, but he was huge. Year after, the guy decides to spend his endorsement money on donuts or something and relegates himself to taking awful jumpshots because he's so out of shape. If the World championships are any indication though (and I hope they are, because I'm a big Yao fan and there's always my Raps), Carmelo is back to take the crown from "King" James.

Here's to hoping that whatever follow up to Sam's Town will be Melo-esque rather than more of the same. In any case, at least they didn't Ryan Leaf-it and blow it on the first go.

This column is dedicated to my buddy Matt's famous album, released to critical disdain. Track 4 was atrocious, buddy!

Stupid Coach Tricks

2006-10-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

While watching the Bengals-Patriots debacle, they showed a short featuring a Cincy offensive lineman with a shovel. Apparently this shovel symbolizes "the need to dig deep". What is with these strange motivational tactics coaches come up with? Remember Pat Riley and the bowl full of NBA championship stickers? To this day I still don't really understand how it relates to winning. At least the shovel thing makes sense, shovels are for digging, but championship stickers in a bowl? Sticking? Bowling? I guess championing? The whole thing makes less sense than a drunken Jake the Snake monologue.

There's some other classics too. One of my favourites was Jack Del Rio's wood chopping thing in the locker room. After Jacksonville fell to an 0 - 3 start in 2003. Jack brought in a tree stump and an axe to the locker room. The motto? "Keep Chopping Wood". Yes, you read that correctly. Eventually the whole thing came to an end when the punter, Chris Hanson chopped his own leg opening a huge gash. I suppose the worst that could happen with a sticker is getting some adhesive in your eye.

Other Happenings around the league:

T.O.'s non-attempted suicide
If he was depressed, it was probably because of Drew Bledsoe. Maybe Drew felt responsible for what happened and tried his best not to suck this week.

Vince Young starting QB
I'm taking a human resources course. When you bring in a QB with no history with the coordinator or coach and make him the starter, it's called called constructive dismissal. Billy Volek could sue. Of course he's still getting paid millions, so I guess it's not so bad. Anyway, who didn't see young starting?

Matt Leinhart taking over from Warner
To this day, who knows how Warner got those Super Bowls, do you?

Jerome Bettis on 'The Office'
This has nothing to do with the NFL really. I just saw the season premiere of the show and it was hilarious. The whole thing with coming out of the closet and calling people 'faggy'? Comedy gold.

Shaun Alexander and the Madden Curse
It's about time they put some lovable white dude on the cover. Someone like Tom Brady. Really, I just want to see Brady get hurt. God, I hate him, Bill Belichick and their sex slave Bill Simmons.

Culpepper loses against the Texans
Daunte, baby... this is the Texans. Did you see what Brunell did to them? This was your chance to have a career day and silence critics. Sure your O-Line is awful, but you blew it. It'll be fun to see Joey Harrington play with a team that tries though.

Before I'm out, let me tell you something. The most exciting time of the year is coming. My buddy Matt just sent out an email about out yearly fantasy basketball pool. That means the football and basketball season will overlap and females around North America will be ordering those seasons of 'Sex in the City' on DVD that they don't have yet. Awesome!

There are already enough NFL articles so....

2006-09-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

I was about to write something about the NBA, even though there hasn't been much activity. That's when I realized the real money was in a spot about the WNBA. Therefore, the following column was about the recent conclusion of the WNBA finals, written in a way that makes it seems like people actually cared.

SHOCK-ING VICTORY
Detroit Shock claim 2nd WNBA Title over Sacremento

When the WNBA Finals tipped off last week, Katie Smith was the only player on the court who had not won a championship. That is no longer the case. Smith scored 17 points, including two clutch jumpers in the final two minutes, as the Detroit Shock claimed their second title with a stirring 80-75 victory over the Sacramento Monarchs. The Shock, who also won the title in 2003, won the last two games of the best-of-five series and dethroned the Monarchs, who were trying to become the league's third repeat champion. Instead, Detroit joined Houston (1997-2000) and Los Angeles (2001-02) as multiple championship winners...

Okay, I admit it. I can't even pretend to care. I plagarized the entire paragraph from something on WNBA.com. It's impossible, I can't put any effort into ANYTHING related to the WNBA. Please enjoy this clip of WNBA players trying to dunk in their all-star game for its comedic value. Also thank the guy who posted this on YouTube, making the WNBA a funnier place.

I promise a real Double Take in a few days.

The Quick Take

2006-09-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

Welcome to The Quick Take, a short rundown on current sports stories.

1. Rick DiPietro's 15-year deal with the Islanders
Almost as bad as that deal black people had with white people in America 200 years ago, you know, slavery. At least he's getting paid.

2. Deion Branch
Patriots show him the door and the Seahawks show him the money. Give Jerry Porter a call in Oakland and offer him a few tips.

3. Atlanta Braves end 14-game winning streak
Amazing... too bad they lost 73 games before that and still have a losing record.

4. Federer wins US Open
Not really news, pretty much routine now. Did you really think Roddick had a chance?

5. WNBA Championship
Did you know this was going on? Neither did I...

6. Colt McCoy
No longer news after OSU debacle.

7. Jays projected to lose $22 Million this year
Rogers communications earns $7.9 billion, declares "no biggie"

8. More Drugs in sports
Also not really news a la 4) and 6). Taking a line from a song, "legalize it!"

9. Michigan - Notre Dame
"Sorry, I'm busy saturday afternoon, can we reschedule?"

10. Brett Favre
Shutout and threw 2 INTs (Now on pace for 32, you might beat last year if you try!). I got the perfect team for you Brett, retired NFL players!

The real technology of sports

2006-09-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

So the other day, I'm going to buy a new cell phone. I always try to avoid the salespeople pestering you about some weird feature that I don't really care about. "Transflash card? No, I like being male just fine, thank you very much..." (Note: I actually do know what that is) Anyway, while the guy is activating my new phone, he pulls out his own (which is the same model) to show me a few features. One thing he showed me were ESPN mobile clips. Then he looked at my plan and told me I didn't have the unlimited data, so that would cost a lot if I did that. So I bite the bullet and now pay an extra 10 bucks per month. Good thing he showed me the ESPN clips and not TSN (we're in Canada afterall), because the last thing I need are video highlights of Eric Lindros mowing his lawn during hockey's off-season on my phone.

It made me realize how pervasive technology is in sports. Anyone watch the US Open? This year was the debut of a NFL-style instant replay challenge system, except it's even fancier, believe it or not. When a player challenges a call of where the ball landed, a computer generated video clip of the play is shown on the big screen, along with multiple angles of the shot. It is often accompanied by a lot of oohing and ahhing from the gallery.

Every game has this high-tech angle. Adidas has a basketball shoe which contains a microchip that can adjust the level of cushioning the shoe delievers. I was in an optical shop and they were hawking some Nike contacts which improves contrast levels, good for baseball players, or terrible golfers who can't follow or find the ball.

It's getting pretty ridiculous. That is, the way we persecute poor Barry Bonds and Floyd Landis. They're merely taking the next step in sports technology. People are people. I'm sure we can push the human race to run a sub 9.7 100 m sprint without drugs, but what are you going to do about it? Force the men's and women's world record holders to breed? We should welcome the steroid-era with open arms instead of being so afraid of change. Eventually we'll get tired of the 70 Home Run Plateau. With drugs, guys could be hitting a hundred dingers a season, who wouldn't go watch baseball? You thought basketball players were athletic? You ain't see nothin' yet... I'm reminded of an ancient SNL skit where they had a "Steroid Olympics" and one of the opening lines was something along the lines of "... already over a dozen world records have been shattered..." All I'm saying is, there's a reason is took like 15 years to beat Ben Johnson's Seoul record.

I for one, welcome our new pharmaceutical overlords...

Writing the succesful sports column

2006-09-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since I starting writing the Double Take, and so far I've attracted a loyal following of 8 or so people (most of them Devin). Out of all the posts, I've collected all of one comment (surprisingly, not him). Had doing this cost me any money, this would've long been canned and considered a colossal failure. However, thanks to the internet and the "new media", it's free and only costs me the time to craft a column which would otherwise been wasted playing Command & Conquer or looking up something retarded on Wikipedia.

Is it time for a reset? Maybe, if I'm ever to crack the 10+ readership barrier. There must be something that keeps people coming for more like a good bowl of gruel. After some extensive research, I'm ready to present examine what really makes a successful sports column.

1. A Cool Handle
Looking at some popular sports-media personalities, they always a neat name like "Sports Guy", "the Schwab", or "Bryant Gumbel". If they didn't have the cool nicknames we might be calling them "geeky Red Sox guy" or "sports version of comic book guy". Decidedly less cool.

2. Regular Features
This one is big. Everyone has regular features. Half the time they aren't even really sports-related. Bill Simmons writes about wrestling, reality TV shows, or the O.C. half the time. It's like Letterman's Top-10 lists, if they're even remotely humorous, people will come regularly. Uncertainty is scary, if people loved surprises; there wouldn't be a McDonald's and Starbucks every other block.

3. The Angle
Everyone has an angle. Jason Whitlock is the tortured Kansas City sports fan. Local Toronto Star columnist Dave Feschuk is negative about just short of everything. Even if people hate your angle, they'll come just so they can tear you a new one about you could say something like "Vince Young will redefine the position... of Wide Receiver".

4. Rugged Good Looks
They can't hurt can they?

5. The Mailbag
It's like those infomercials where they keep asking if the set of knives are worth 100 bucks, telling them they're only 30 and then following up with a question about how crazy and unbelievable it is to sell knives for such a low price. Everyone loves audience feedback, even if it's semi-retarded or totally irrelevant. If my buddy Matt writes in about how our mutual pal AJ is going ballroom dancing instead of drinking and how he should deal with the situation, I really should put it up. Not only is it hilarious that this man is forgoing drinking with his buddies for ballroom dancing, but people love to see their own names and contributions. Such recognition can only inspire regular participation and readership.

6. A good dose of wit and insight
Can’t buy or invent this now. Only you guys can tell me if I’ve got it.

7. Regular updates
I know, I know, once every two weeks isn’t very regular. If this was my digestive system, I’d be seriously uncomfortable at this point.

These are probably the big ones. Since I live in the bastion of democracy and free-speech, Canada, I implore you readers to actually leave a comment or e-mail about the direction of where the Double Take is headed. Of course, if the past is any indication, all I’ll be having is a little chat on MSN messenger with Devin.

Battlin' Birds

2006-08-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

The great Toronto collapse that Shea Hillenbrand was predicting has finally happened. I've been away for a month and since then BJ Ryan has accumulated all of 3 saves, Eric Hinske and Scott Shoenweis have been given away like old clothes (Hinske to the despicable Red Sox no less), the team is basically no longer in contention for anything, and John Gibbons challenged yet another player to a fight.

A sad note, Gibbons is not the first Toronto pro coach in recent memory to challenge his players to fight him, that honour would go to Raptors coach Sam Mitchell.

I would like to think there are deeper forces at work here. I'm thinking maybe the WWE is coming to town soon, and all of this is some sort of set up. Maybe Vince McMahon is actually making some sort of investment in the team. Look at the possibilities here, next Pay-Per-View, it's Gibbons and a mystery partner versus Lily and Hillenbrand. The mystery partner turns out to be Sam Mitchell. Thanks to interference from McMahon goons, Mitchell and Gibbons are in total control of the match. Suddenly Rafer Alston jumps out from somewhere in the crowd and clubs Mitchell in the crotch with a dumbell.

If that's not the case, then signs point to Evander Holyfield's comeback bid. With a medical suspension placed on him by the state of New York, he'd be hard pressed to get a fight permit in the US. With the demise of the baseball team, cable mogul Ted Rogers decides to drum up some revenue by hosting a fight in Toronto. Gibbons fighting players was all part of the advertising campaign to get the city ready for a brawl.

Of course, a more likely story would be this year being just another disappointing chapter in the Toronto sports book, despite earlier misplaced enthusiasm. The end of the year will bring lowered expectations for next year and the departure of more players such as the disgruntled Bengie Molina (Did anyone see that working out?).

One bright note for CFL followers is that Damon Allen has passed for 70,000 pro football yards, which puts him just behind Warren Moon. Of course since the "Pro Football Hall of Fame" really means NFL hall of fame, it doesn't mean anything outside of Canada.

Toronto Trade Bait

2006-07-17T15:46:00.000-07:00

The MLB trade deadline is quickly approaching, the Jays are still in the race for the East this year rather then the customary 15 or so games back they were since they won the World Series. There's only one position everyone is really looking at (besides their terrible infield gloves) and that's starting pitching.

The Jays have lots of bats on the roster. It would be safe to guess they would give up one of them for a pitcher. The top candidates would be Hinske, Hillenbrand, Molina or Zaun, and possibly the franchise boy, Vernon.

"Crazy!" you say, "not Vernon Wells!" that's right Vernon Wells. He has an expiring contract and it's the Jays outfield that's the most crowded part of the lineup. The Jays might just move him for the right pitcher.

Former rookie of the year and current "O.C." award-winner (The O.C. award - it's given to players who have one great season and struggle to recapture that magic since, just like the show!) Eric Hinske is the other top name in trade talk. Like Wells, his address is the outfield with Cat, Rios, Johnson who are all batting 0.300. With the Rios injury, he's made the most of his time.

Looking at the possibilties for these two, you might see the Twins make a move. Theoretically, they can still make the wild-card spot, although it won't be easy. They lost both Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart to injuries making their outfield a bit thin. If they don't weather this, then they could see their playoff hopes disappear faster than that Heather Graham sitcom. Liriano only has a one-year contract, but is also their best pitcher right now, there could be some sort of package deal.

The Twins make the most sense as well. An AL Pitcher would be the safest bet for JP, a Billy Beane disciple. Considering that the AL has dominated the interleauge matchups so far (except the Jays incidentally), the Jays might think twice about looking to the NL for a deal.

And if the Jays are really hurting, I hear Canseco is playing again in the Golden Baseball Leauge. Not only is he a DH, but a pitcher as well, I smell contract...

Finally if worse comes to worse, you could always deal with Isiah Thomas. I mean since Balkman was a reach, why not Jamal Crawford on the mound? He'd probably even give some draft picks up.

#1 Contender

2006-06-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

I was playing EA Fight Night 2006 for XBox 360 at Best Buy the other day with my buddy Jon, and I'm pretty sure it has the boxing equivalent of updated rosters, that is the boxers get older. How do I know this? I was playing as Roy Jones, and Jon was using Bernard Hopkins. Since we both have no real idea how to play. I was pretty sure I was going punch for punch with him. In any case, Roy Jones was having the snot beaten out of him every match. We eventually switched controllers to test my theory of "Roy Jones is ass in this game", which proved to be true.

Anyway that really had nothing to do with anything.

The real #1 talk is with the upcoming NBA Draft, where the Raptors have the top pick. (On
a side note: the NHL draft just came and went, did you notice? Neither did I.) What was supposed to be Greg Oden has now become anything. This has lead to grumbling about "DAVID STERN SCREWS TORONTO AGAIN, HOW FAST CAN HE EXPAND AND CONTRACT FROM CANADA?". In any case, let's look at the Raptors possible boob prizes.

1. Andrea Bargnani

As of today, NBADraft.net has listed Bargnani as the Raptor's pick in their mock draft. There is a lot of support to this, after all the Raps hired away Beneton Trevisio's GM to be Coangelo's assistant. Trevisio would be Bargnani's European club. Moreover, Sam Mitchell and Wayne Embry were both sent over to Europe to check the kid out after the lottery. I wish I could comment more on him, but he's a total wild card. All the buzz surrounding him says he has the tools to be a Nowtizki-like player, which is huge. Then again, there was all the hype surrounding Darko, so who knows? (Side Note #2: How does Joe Dumars feel after passing up Wade? Even Carmelo or Bosh?)

Final Take: Neutral

2. Adam Morrison

Before I say anything, let me tell you I've been accused of horrible biases against white basketball players. I don't think I have one, but when you have Keith Van Horn being paraded around as the one-time saviour of the Knicks as well as "The Next Bird", you just don't want to hear about the next Great White Hype (TM). Anyway, Morrison has decent fundamental skills. He's got decent size and speed as well a a good shot. He also took his team quite far in the Tourney. I really don't think diabetes will hold him back. In my opinion, there are two glaring weaknesses to him. First is his emotion. A pro needs to keep it under control. My best example would be the mercurial Kobe. This man can drop 81 one night and in another, just take 3 shots in the second half of a game when the season is on the line. Incredible. Morrison, with his season on the line and a slim, but possible chance to win the game cried like a little girl. There's nothing wrong with crying... after the game is over. Secondly, this guy is 6-8 and averages like 5 rebounds in college. Given he is a perimeter player and lacks vertical ability, he still doesn't seem like he's much else other than a scorer (His assist numbers are also woeful, but he's the main scorer, so I can't really blame him). I might be going out on a limb here, but he's not a #1 overall guy. I think he might be a solid player in the NBA, but one day someone (probably me) will be saying "Man, I can't believe people thought he was the #1 guy". In any case, if Bosh, Charlie V and Graham is the Raps future, this guy does not fit in.

Final Take: If the Raptors draft Adam Morrison, it will be the worst news you heard since your sister told you she was marrying a black guy. (Unless you're black, in which case it would be the worst news since your sister was marrying a white guy)

3. LaMarcus Aldridge

Basically a beefier Chris Bosh with the effort of a Charlie V. With the deal for Rasho in place, the Raps frontcourt is still somewhat crowded if Aldrige joins the fray. He put up solid rebounding numbers, decent shot-blocking and scoring averages. Still, looking at them, they were still less than the numbers Shelden Williams put up which should be a cause for concern. It's tough to say if he would be a great fit for the Raptors unless he really puts in more effort. Unfortunately, effort can't be taught. As for the chances of the Raps taking him with the number one pick? Coangelo said he liked what he saw. Of course, if you have been reading the newspaper, there hasn't been a pick Coangelo saw and didn't like.

Final Take: I think playing with Bosh may mitigate his weaknesses, but he still probably isn't the best pick.

4. Tyrus Thomas

Project. That's all I have to say. If the Raps want to contend with the Oden lottery, then pick Thomas by all means. He can't shoot well, his offensive game is a total work in progress. On the upside, he does put in effort. His athleticism is a huge asset. He actually wouldn't be a bad fit in the 3/4 spot. Bosh, Charlie and Thomas in the front court could really pose a unique athletic threat similar to Marion, Stoudemire and Richardson.

Final Take: Could be a great piece. Really depends on Toronto's short-term goals.

5. Rudy Gay

Probably the best fit for the Raptors. This guy (along with Brandon Roy) would be the "need" pick. Unfortunately he's had some terrible workouts and hasn't really impressed with his athleticism (conversely, Roy has been putting up numbers beyond scouts' initial expectations). He didn't have a great tournment run, but UConn players tend to be great pros. He put up pretty good rebounding numbers for his position and played effective D. He does have some turnover issues.

Final Take: The #1 at the beginning of the NCAA season has seen his stock drop. Still, he probably has the tools to be a legit player, why pass him up?

The (nearly) Undefeated Champion of the Universe

2006-06-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

"Winning this championship is just incredible. First of all, I want to thank God..."
- Any champion of anything

With the NBA Finals and Stanley Cup just finishing, there was no doubt that God was having his share of praise and thanks heaped onto him for helping to bring trophies to Carolina and Miami.

I would venture to say that God is undefeated, but there was one time he was beaten, this year's WWE Backlash Pay-Per-View. My buddy and I were watching Monday Night Raw the other night for the reunion of Degeneration-X (that's right DX is back). He was telling me that leading up to the reunion, Vince McMahon set up a tag-team match that pitted Shane and him against Shawn Michaels and God. Maybe God didn't show up, but Shawn Michaels had the crap kicked out of him.

Possibly God's only defeat

This would leave concrete and the 1972 Miami Dolphins as the only holders of an undefeated record.

There was an interview with Cindy Klassen, the Canadian speed skater who won about 1358 medals at Torino this past winter. She had just won Medal #1270 and during the interview, she just gushed about how much God helped in her medal finishes. Incredibly unfair. God has omnipotent powers, no amount of EPO, HGH, the clear, cream or any assorted steroids can beat that. It's also clear that God was ONLY on the one side, since everyone else lost (except maybe the silver and bronze medalists, but only it's only the Olympics where runners up get something, haven't they ever heard #1 by Nelly?)

Now, you should know, like steroids, you don't NEED God to win. Lance Armstrong says he doesn't believe in religion. Look at who he's beaten: a bunch of French people multiple times (ok, that's not hard, just ask Germany), and cancer (much harder to beat than France). One of those is pretty impressive at least.

Has anyone blamed God for losing though? Something along the lines of the Faith+1 episode of South Park where Cartman yells out "$%^! Jesus" after finding out he can't win a platnium record as a Christian rock artist. Something like a coach saying "We played a great game, but I think it's pretty obvious God screwed us tonight,"

If that ever happened, it would really be one of those moments where we witnessed a champion's incredible fall from grace. It would be like when Mike Tyson got knocked out by Danny Williams and just sat on the ring, completely dazed. Until then, we just have Vince McMahon.

Evolution of a rumor

2006-06-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

For anyone who lives in a big market or Toronto, it's inevitable to drown in a torrent of trade talk when it comes to professional sports. At the Jays game on Sunday, the blue birds were getting pounded by the Tigers in a very ugly 6th inning. Trying to move onto a more positive note, we discussed the Raptors' upcoming #1 pick. My buddy Matt was all like "Did you hear about JO for Charlie V and the pick?" which I could only answer with "Nah, just about the CV for Magloire and Mo Williams deal," It seems the ROY runner-up is ripe for picking.

"Did you hear?"

All the talk around Villanueva reminds me of a vacation a few years ago in Florida. Vince Carter, the defending dunk champ and the Raptors were coming off their most successful campaign to date. Turning on the TV and tuning into Sportscenter and BOOM! ESPN drops a bomb; rumors that the Raps were exploring trading VC. It was then revealed to be from the Toronto Sun, the Toronto version of the New York Post, so I dismissed it. Just about anything counts as news in that paper, a couple weeks ago the front page headline was "INTERNET VIRGIN NOT SO INNOCENT..." (no joke, that's what it was)

"No way!! And what do you mean I'm talking into a Sega Genesis?"

Anyhow, it took about 4 years and many disappointing seasons before Toronto Basketball Judas was moved. Toronto is an easy target because it's in Canada and the belief is that you can poach just about anyone from Canada if they aren't playing hockey. After all it's cold and snowy, taxes are high and they show curling on TV all the time. It's so bad in Canada it nearly drove Stevie Franchise to tears. Places like New York and LA are also frequently rumour hotspots although in reverse fashion where they attract just about anyone. By my measure the Lakers should be stacked with Yao, Kobe, Nowitzki, Sam Cassell by now.

How do these rumors come about? In real life, you usually hear about your neighbor's infidelities from some chirpy housewife at a dinner party. As children we just make crap up and yell it out in the playground, "JESSE EATS BOOGERS!" or something to that effect. We don't ask who or what sources led to this information, frankly half the time we dismiss it like the aforementioned report. The media is different though, we hold them to a higher standard. However, a journalist will never reveal the source of their scoop, leading to more anonymous informers than your local crime stoppers hotline. Of course some of the leaks are intentional, teams trying to get the other interested in a the possibility of a deal. It's tough to say it's dishonest, but it would seem to just be a case of schoolyard rumour syndrome.

The whole problem is reporting on rumors in the first place. Since they're rumors, they don't have to be backed up by any real substance besides some friend of a second cousin of a guy who picks up golf balls at a driving range which some GM plays at. It's almost Enquirer-esque. That actually gives me a good idea. I think I'll publish a weekly magazine of transaction rumors. I won't really call around the league. I'll just buy copies of Us weekly, People magazine, and the National Enquirer and use their stories and headlines but replace certain words. For example, replace "Brad Pitt" with "New York Knicks", "Angelina Jolie" with just about any other team, and "Baby Shiloh" with any given superstar on that team like KG. Now we'll try with the NFL, "Britney Spears" with "Washington Redskins", "Kevin Federline" with a given lucrative free agent, and "money sponge" well, we can keep that one...

I'm so on to something...

2007 Basketball Shoe Preview

2006-06-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

Here's a treat for all of you on this "auspicious" date, The Double Take becomes The Fashion Take for one day as the big shoe companies let us preview their upcoming shoe line-up for the next season.

First up is AND1.

AND1

Again, AND1 will primarily rely on their "street cred" from their mixtape tours and street ball promotions combined with their shoes being relatively cheap. However, don't think that AND1 doesn't have any NBA ballers in their stable. Included in the AND1 roster is a number of pro ballers including Michael Bradley, Scott Padgett, and Royal Ivey. It was these players that inspired one of AND1's premier shoes for next year, the BENCHWARMER.

The AND1 BENCHWARMER

The AND1 BENCHWARMER contains all the usual features you'd come to expect from a basketball shoe including compression-molded rubber soles for high-performance cushioning. The feature that makes it stand out from the pack though is the Pine veneer accents featured prominently on the shoe. Garbage time players and fans of old-time station wagons alike will be delighted by this one.

Converse

For those looking for an upcoming look at the next Wades, I apologize. However, Converse did send us yet another Chuck Taylor colorway. It's some other shade of green. Exciting!

Converse YACTC (Yet Another Chuck Taylor Colorway)

Nike

For all you Kobe fans, rejoice! Not only is Kobe changing his number to 24 next year, but Nike will also update his signature shoe. The new Kobe will debut yet another innovative technology from the Nike research department. That's right, next year's shoe will feature an On/Off switch which will actually deflate the Zoom Air insoles. Sometimes a game just isn't worth your effort, like the second half of game seven against Phoenix. The product guy tells us that the feature was originally developed for Vince Carter's signature shoes before he was traded to New Jersey from Toronto. Furthermore, most of the New York Knicks squad will be wearing this shoe next season.

Nike Switch technology as used on the Kobe

Reebok

Reebok will look to convince you that it's all about the shoes. Although they wouldn't let us show any pictures, we were allowed to disclose some of the under-the-hood details of next year's Iverson line. As you know, signature shoes are designed with input from the star and a lot of inspiration from their game. The next 'Answer' will be no different. It will be amongst the top shoes on the market, but not quite the best. Changes to Reebok's cushioning system mean that the shoes will make a definite improvement on your game, but can't really take it to the next level. There are a few problems we forsee though. Since your game isn't quite next level you'll never be picked first in a pick-up game. The shoes also look durable enough, but when you wear them they always seem to threaten to fall apart on you.

Adidas

Although it has been said that big men don't sell shoes, Adidas has a pair of big-name big men in their stable, namely KG and TD. The upcoming KG's will be coveted by many, but are rumored to have an exhorbiant asking price. Tim Duncan's signature shoe will be replaced with a pair of Oxfords, time will tell if anyone notices.

Next Year's Duncan signature kicks

That's a wrap! I hope you enjoyed the first and hopefully on the only Fashion Take.

WORLD CUP FEVER

2006-06-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's summertime, but it's not just Hamburgers on the grill being fired up, cause out in Hamburg, Germany... IT'S WORLD CUP TIME!!!

Ready for the Soca warriors march on to victory? Or Iran reel off some explosive games against their Pool D competition?

No? Well, alright, neither was I.

If Page 2 on ESPN.com is the pulse of the amalgam between American pop culture and sports it would seem that the biggest story out of Germany is Dirk dropping 50 and subsequently Phoenix outta the NBA dance. The World Cup is apparently not even major sidebar material, sorry Trinidad...

It's not like I have a particular vendetta against soccer, it's just I've basically grown-up watching everything but (well, not everything, according to a certain Tracy McGrady, curling is on Canadian television all the time but it has not piqued my interest).

The thing that really gets me is when people who do enjoy it deride North Americans as being so full of themselves because it's the most popular sport in the world (these are usually the people who insist on calling it football even here). Well, newsflash, a lot of the world also does not enjoy things like clean running water or reliable electricity, but I'm not going to see how "awesome" life can be without those things. Last time I checked, the USA had 300 million people, that's a lot of people who don't really like soccer.

People like that remind me of movie and literary critics who thumb their noses at pulp fiction and action movies. Last time I checked though, those guys are writing two-bit columns for some local paper (although I can only wish to be at that level) whereas Oprah is a multibillion dollar woman and Arnold, the governator of Cali. All those art-house snobs can tell me how great a movie about a gay love affair between two cowboys is, but I'm still going to watch X3 (which by the way is pretty good, but the first 30 minutes nearly relapsed me into trauma not suffered since Transformers: The Movie [sidenote 2: Upcoming Live-action Transformers? Stop trivalizing my childhood!]).

So here's to you football snobs, unless the World Cup involves a position called nickel cornerback, with a guy named Roderick Hood playing it, on a team called the Philadelphia Eagles, it's not football to me. Don't correct me either, cause it's just the way it is; it is in most of North America anyway. I realize the hypocritical angle that reeks of the same snobbery I just denounced, but it just makes it easier for them to understand.

Ace in the hole

2006-06-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

So a couple weeks ago I went to see the Jays face off against the Angels. Prominently displayed on the ticket was the line “ACE PLUSH TOY GIVEAWAY”. Now I’m a bit too old for collecting stuffed animals, but like everyone else, I’m a free stuff whore. I haven’t had season tickets for the Jays in ten years, but I do remember all my favourite giveaways. There was Coca-Cola hat day, Mr. Sub bag day, Shopper’s Drug Mart calendar day and also team autographed ball day (As an aside, I was doing some spring cleaning the other day and found an autograph ball that I actually used to play with, yeah I had that many). My buddy Devo was a little late so I had to wait outside the gate. It was maybe 15 minutes past start time when we went in when they were out of the stuffed blue jays. I couldn’t believe it. There were maybe 25,000 people watching the game and they were already out.

It’s not so much the toy I care about (although we ended up ‘finding’ one which Devo graciously donated to me cause he thought I was pretty broken up about it), as much as the principle. I can remember being horribly late to Jays games back in the day and always getting whatever they were giving away (except one autographed ball day which my dad and I got there at something like the 4th or 5th inning). I mean the Jays were like literally twice as popular back then and they always had ample supply (at least the first 20,000, which I’m sure we were amongst on Ace giveaway day).

The only greater injustice I can think of is that Playboy with Jessica Alba on the cover and nothing inside. You go into it expecting one thing and coming up totally empty handed. Why is it okay to tempt us poor/greedy people like this? I suppose in some places it’s done on a far greater scale. I can think of New York where they keep pretending they’ll field competitive pro sports teams (Sure, the Yankees are now, but remember the early 90’s?). The Knicks are especially great, remember when they traded Sprewell a couple years back and deemed Keith freakin’ Van Horn the saviour of the franchise? I’m thinking they either hired that Iraqi Minister of Information guy from the Iraq invasion or resurrected Joseph Goebels to do the press conference for that one. That’s quite possibly worse than the absence of topless Alba.

Anyway, in the end the Jays won, I got my Ace, and I don’t have to cheer for the Knicks, so I suppose it turned out alright. The only damper was watching our closer B.J. Ryan getting his first earned run of the season. He came in the top of the eighth and I turned to Devo and gave him the ol’ “what the hell?” He could only reply “hell if I know”. Apparently Gibbons thought he was due for an extra inning that game.

It’s Devo’s birthday today (technically yesterday) so wish him a good one.

Like A.J. Burnett, I’m out.

2nd Chance Pointers

2006-05-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

Ricky Williams is in Toronto to play for the Argos. I can finally feel at home wearing my bright orange #34 Miami Dolphins jersey around town now, almost (it’s still freakin’ Day-Glo orange after all). Just the other day, Joe Thiesmann, ex-NFL and CFL star called the Argos’ sigining of Ricky “a disgrace,” and that “He’s been given too many chances”. When I hear something like “too many chances”, I immediately think of the 4th season of 24. It’s the one with Habib Marwan launching terrorist attack after terrorist attack. “Assassinating the president by stealing a stealth fighter didn’t quite do the job? Time for Marwan backup plan #236, launching a nuclear missile at Los Angeles.” (The guy was so well-prepared, he was like the Belichick of terrorists). Anyway, the point is, how do you define too many chances? It seems unfair, not just because he’s talented, but because people always say “never give up”. By saying someone has had too many chances, you are essentially giving up on that person.

The types of people that don’t get second chances in society are usually killers. Had Ricky Williams killed someone, I certainly would not be writing this. How bad is a little dope smoking anyway? I would imagine Jamal Lewis trying to sell a few pounds of cocaine being somewhat worse. We say Ricky Williams is a bad example for the kids, but imagine if the Baltimore Ravens lived on your street. You’d have Jamal selling coke to your little boy and your neighbor getting stabbed in Jamal Lewis’ car.

I realize it’s not the first time and that’s a big deal. However, last time I checked Jesus died 2000 years ago and nobody’s perfect.

The Battle of "Insert place here"

2006-05-08T11:29:00.000-07:00

So if you've been following the hoops hype, you'll know that there was lots said about the once possible "Battle of L.A.", the so-called "hallway series". No away games for either team.

If you're a hockey fan (and I know there's at least 6 of you out there in the contininental United States, not including Canadian Joe, because well, he's from Canada after all), then you probably heard the "Battle of Alberta" hype.

Really, at what point was this ever interesting? I don't think it ever was. Real rivaries are not based on geographical boundaries. If we suddenly called a game between the Seattle Sonics and the Portland Trailblazers "The Battle of the Pacific Northwest" does it become any better? Possibly in the mind of marketers. Ultimately it would still be a matchup between 2 terrible teams, with the highlight being "Will Darius Miles launch a Sprewell-easque attack against Nate McMillian after Ray Allen hits a 3rd consecutive 3 point shot?".

Let's get back to hockey for a moment here. Look at the Senators-Leafs rivalry. There is a certain amount of geography involved, I can't deny it completely, but the main driving factor was really "Why can't a talented young Ottawa squad beat the Toronto geriatric all-stars?". There is a liberal amount of "Man, I hope stuck-up, snobby Toronto gets theirs handed to them," but hey, the whole country wishes that, not just Ottawa. Really, no one in Toronto cares what's going on in Ottawa beyond possible tax relief, it's barely a city some nearly 600 km away (Hey, who are you calling stuck up?).

Basically, what it comes to is this: it's only a geographical battle when there's nothing else behind it. Do you hear anyone touting "The Battle of Texas" for the San Antonio-Dallas series? It's just going to be two good teams (plus Mark Cuban's usual crazy antics) slugging it out. Now there was a certain amount of novelty in the L.A. series since they share the same building, but was there any question that the Clippers are probably are far more balanced team than the Lakers?

Battle for L.A. sounds like some bad Kurt Russell movie anyway.

Charley Casserley writes a letter to Matt Millen

2006-05-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Matt,

Hey man, how are ya? Just relaxing over the draft? You had it easy with only getting the #9 pick this year, I had to deal with a #1 again, you know how that is.

Everyone said I was just posturing, but I proved them all wrong. “Reggie Bush is one of the most explosive players,”, “Vince Young is a hometown hero,” I didn’t listen to any of it. I did it, I took Mario Williams over all of them.

People are already second-guessing me, calling for me to be fired; it just goes to show how much they know. You know that. Being a good GM, where does it get you? A good GM never has job security. You have one bad run, and you’re shown the door. A bad GM, that’s where it’s at. I mean, just look around major league sports for guys who are constantly being lampooned but are still employed, Isiah Thomas, Elgin Baylor, yourself (Man, you probably really disappointed Santonio Holmes, bet he was totally ready to be a Lion). Kevin McHale, that guy lost like 7 draft picks signing Joe Smith to a massive under the table contract and he’s still going strong. Don’t be too comfy with where you are though Matt, I’m coming after you.

You know the deal; you really don’t have to win games to get attention. That can be really rough. It’s way easier to lose. A terrible loser gets just as much exposure as a great winner. I mean, how else can the your Lions and those Cardinals still manage to build new stadiums? The NFL is especially great; the marketing machine has made every football game and team into a “must-see” attraction. Terrible teams still sell-out, why be good?

What if we’re 8-8? We become another mediocre team that probably isn’t in the playoffs. That’s it, no high draft pick, no championship chance, nothing. Win just 2 games and everyone’s buzzing. Who are the Texans going to take? Can they get worse?

This number one pick, it really could be a monumental bust, exactly what I’m trying to pull with Mario. He probably won’t be Ryan Leaf, but busts like that are once a lifetime. People don’t ever stop talking about mistakes like this. “Biggest mistake since Bowie over Jordan,” I’m already famous, is anyone even talking about the guys Philly or New England drafted? I’m hoping Mario will at least turn out as well as Joey did for you.

That’s it, I’m set for life. No expectations, no need to plan picks anymore. Thanks Matt for all your help. (P.S. Good luck on building your team of 22 Wide Receivers, we'll see if there's better ones next year).

Your Pal,

Charley

The Mike James Bible

2006-04-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

In a recent Toronto Star article, Raptors free agent-to-be point guard Mike James compared himself to Jesus.

I’ve taken the liberty to highlight some appropriate bible passages that might help us understand his holiness better.

Matthew 5:10
“Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

In this bible verse, we are told that good character on Earth will net us great rewards in heaven. Mike James feels persecuted, never before having the kind of playing time he felt he deserved. His reward? Heaven… 6 to 9 million dollars a year.

Matthew 5:44
“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”

Jesus teaches us to love your enemies. It is clear that Mike James also preaches the same Gospel. Let his ill-advised 3 point attempts and fourth quarter turnovers testify to this. Clearly he loves his opponents as much as his own teammates.

James 2:26
“As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead”

For those unfamiliar with this passage, it’s the famous ‘faith and works’ passage of the bible. That is, for salvation, you must believe, and also act accordingly. The people of Toronto will just have to believe that Mike James will keep putting in 20 points a game despite being 30 years old. The accompanying act is that nice contract.

Luke 12:20-21
"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'
"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

This is taken from the parable of the rich fool; it is telling us that wealth is not all material. Do you really think Mike James is playing for the money? That’s ludicrous. If he was, do you really think he would have thrown away all those games?

Matthew 4:23
“Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.”

We’ll close off with this, after all it’s the theme of Mike James’ comparison. Even with acts like this, Jesus was killed. Mike James can’t cure SARS (no longer a problem in Toronto for those that are curious, and neither is leprosy); he can only give it his all on his court. Just like Mark Blount, Stromile Swift and Erick Dampier did after signing their big contracts. Besides, he’s still less crazy than Rafer Alston was, right?

Statistically Significant

2006-04-23T21:56:00.000-07:00

You may have heard of the “Moneyball” phenomenon. It’s the new trend that began in baseball and is slowly spreading to other sports. Basically, instead of traditional scouting, trying to judge intangibles like a guy’s heart or effort, you take hard numbers. If you play fantasy baseball you’ve seen new numbers like PECOTA and OPS show up. In basketball, John Hollinger has developed PERS, and in hockey there’s always been Plus/Minus.

Numbers are a great way to evaluate a guy’s production on the field, but everyone knows there’s more to sports than on-field performance. If numbers were all fans cared about, than every Denver Broncos running back for the past 6 years should be a top jersey seller. I can guarantee I’ve never seen the “MIKE ANDERSON” jersey in my local Foot Locker.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying numbers are a bad thing. They’re great, all we need are new numbers to evaluate a player’s value to the team. With this, I unveil my PEVS (Player Entertainment Valuation System) numbers.

Now for a basic breakdown of how it works. Basically it is a ratio of the player’s conduct to his major media outlet exposure. Also included are a number of other popularity measures such as relevant Google hits, jersey sales, number of major signature products. These are all assigned point modifiers since things like Google hits aren’t quite as important as a signature shoe. Going over the exact mathematical formula would be quite boring, so let’s just look at some examples.

In basketball, Stephon Marbury would score pretty high. Even though Marbury hasn’t had a signature shoe in years, his very public feud with Larry Brown was worth far more than a shoe. Beyond that, he’s still the #4 jersey mover. He is also helped by his lack of appearances in “Read to Achieve commercials” which are assigned a negative value because they are anything but entertaining.

Johnny Damon would be another PEVS star. Insulting his old team by calling them ‘idiots’, priceless in a MasterCard commercial maybe, but worth a ton in PEVS. Combined with his complete transformation into a Yankee with his shorn locks and beard and thus thrusting the dagger into the backs of Red Sox fans everywhere with maximum twist is just pure PEVS fodder. There’s even a secondary effect with gems such as these being left in blogs: Screw Steinbrenner, Screw Cashman, Screw the Chokees, and finally Screw that traitorous rat-bastard Johnny Unfrozen Caveman Damon. May the lord guide those double AA's thrown from the Fenway Bleachers next year directly to your sizeable useless melon.

Of course, PEVS isn’t always necessary. In the NFL, one player would dominate this stat. We all know the answer… T.O. If I calculated his score, it’d probably be somewhere around a million, that’s even before giving bonus points for trying to pick a fight with Hugh Douglas AND Donovan McNabb, along with signing with a hated division rival.

You’re probably thinking, “well, doesn’t PEVS punish character guys?” You know what? You’re completely right, it does. A goody two-shoes type like Carlos Delgado with ‘beliefs’ and ‘morals’, who also gives toys to children would score very low. You know what else though? No one is paying for that. People want to see car accidents, not someone helping an old lady across the street.

First Round NBA Picks

2006-04-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

Eastern Conference

(8) Milwaukee Bucks vs. (1) Detroit Pistons
Do I really have to say much about this? The Bucks don’t even have a winning record. They have some talented guys like TJ Ford, Magloire, and Redd but together they don’t make much of a team, especially not one that can compete with the team that has refined that word. TNT might be better off showing Gigli instead, yes it’s gonna be that bad…

Detroit in four.

(7) Chicago Bulls vs. (2) Miami Heat
See, the nice thing about Eastern Conference picks is that they’re really easy. Before, when Jordan was still on the Bulls, you’d just choose the Bulls and you’d have an 85% chance of being right. Now that he’s gone and the Bulls are just another team good enough to make it in a bad conference. Miami hasn’t been playing that great lately, but Wade won’t let them down.

Heat in five.

(6) Indiana Pacers vs. (3) New Jersey Nets
While this is one is a bit tougher than the first two, I keep in mind the fact that this is the NBA and not March Madness in college. When was the last time you had something like George Mason happening? Really, the reason to watch this series will be to see if Peja Stojakovic will absolutely disappear in the postseason with a new team. Jermaine O’Neal is a great player, but who else is around him? Jeff Foster? Anthony Johnson? I might as well named people in an office in Any City, USA. Kidd, Jefferson and Carter have been playing out of their minds, and there’s no reason to think they’ll stop. They don’t have much depth beyond their starting five, but then again no one is going to drown swimming in Indiana’s bench.

Nets in six.

(5) Washington Wizards vs. (4) Cleveland Cavaliers
This is the one to watch, possibly out of both conferences. If I were to draw an analogy to summer movie releases, this isn’t like that one summer where you had Spider-Man, Attack of the Clones and Minority Report come out, it’s more like Jurassic Park III, AI and Final Fantasy. In other words, terrible. However, this is one series that looks great on paper. Lebron and Arenas are two of the leagues most potent scorers. You have Hughes up against the team that he abandoned. Butler will be excited to get back into the playoffs after suffering that year in LA with Kobe. It’s really hard to call this one, the two teams match up quite well. Gooden might not be at Jamison’s level, but Thomas and Haywood aren’t Z either. You have some depth on both teams with guys like Daniels and Murray (both ex-Sonics strangely enough) coming off the benches. It’s hard to call, but I think Lebron is going to be hungry enough to get past at least the first round.

Cavs in seven.

Western Conference

(8) Sacramento Kings vs. (1) San Antonio Spurs
How does it feel Shareef? Let’s not take away from his moment by saying he wasn’t a major part of this run. If that was you on the bench, you know you’d be giddy with excitement. Anyway, Artest has brought a degree of toughness and confidence to this team that looked tired at the beginning of the season. Now Artest claims that the Kings are the favorites in this series. Here’s something that isn’t news, RON ARTEST IS CRAZY. They got a decent starting lineup, a couple of decent guys on the bench, but they are also facing the Spurs. TP (does any one call him this? Or is it too much like toilet paper?) and TD will be ready for the Kings (and the rest of that team too, like Horry, Finley, Ginobili… do I need to go on?)

Spurs in six.

(7) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (2) Phoenix Suns
MVP! MVP! MVP! You have Steve Nash and Kobe Bryant, two legit MVP contenders dueling to advance in the playoffs. Let’s think about something for a second though. Kobe as MVP. Certainly without him, the team would be absolutely awful and dwelling in the basement. The thing is though, as much as we talk about the 81 points he scored, he only had 2 assists. You think a guy who’s drawing an entire team of defenders could afford to pass the ball more than twice. He might make the team better, but not the players. On the flip side, you have Nash who is making Boris Diaw look like he never played in Atlanta. That’s at least equivalent to a 70-point game or something. Throw in the fact that they’ve only won like seven games less than they did last year without Amare should count for the rest. On a side note, Jim Jackson will suit up against his old squad. Who was afraid for a minute that he wouldn’t have a new jersey this season like he usually does? He must have the unintentionally largest basketball jersey collection.

Suns in six.

(6) Los Angeles Clippers vs. (3) Denver Nuggets
As I looked at the matchups on Yahoo! Sports I notice a link to ‘Playoff History’ for the Clippers and laughed. No, it’s actually not a blank page, but out of 6 appearances, 3 were in the 70’s. Anyway, it’s another decent matchup. Cassell, Cat Mobley, Brand, Maggette and Vin Baker (yes, they picked him up) will face Carmelo and Company. Brand will probably step up, while Maggette will look not to get his foot stepped on. It will be interesting to watch. Kenyon Martin is still hobbling about, nowhere near top form, so how he does against Brand will be important. The Nuggets are probably better defensively with Camby and Patterson, but the Clips got some great backcourt shooters in Cat and Cassell. It’s probably going to be a slugfest, and poor Ruben has a bad history in those.

Clippers in seven.

(5) Memphis Grizzlies vs. (4) Dallas Mavericks
By nature, this is supposed to be the most even matchup. In reality, it might be one of the more lopsided ones in the West. Gasol is a great player, unfortunately Nowitizki is a MVP candidate. Beyond that, the Grizz have stars like Chucky Atkins as their starting point man. Jason Terry might not be a superstar, but he’s a decent shooter, whereas Atkins looks like he’s more apt at construction some nights. Mike Miller could be Sixth man of the year, but Dallas has at least 8th or 9th men coming in.

Mavs in six.

The Toronto Sports Wasteland Revival

2006-04-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

What's this? Sleepy Toronto, the city I call home makes waves in the sports media with two top stories? Insanity! If you haven't already heard, because you had a heart attack before you heard the radio or watched the television this morning, the Leafs fired Pat Quinn and Chris Bosh said he's extending his contract with the Raptors.

I should've seen this coming though when the Jays spent all that money in the off-season; unseen forces are at work in this city and I'm dually afraid and optimistic at what this all could mean. It's almost like in X-Men, the mutants could be heroes like the X-Men or be terribly evil like Magneto.

What does this all mean for this city? We might be partying like it's 1992 or 93 when the Jays win the World Series this year. Then we'll get the news that Ralph Wilson is going to sell the Bills to local mogul Paul Godfrey who is moving the franchise to TO. This will promptly be followed by the trade of Rafael Araujo to the Knicks for their 2007 first-rounder and an undisclosed sum of cash. With the piece of dead weight removed from the Raptors, along with Vince Carter's return (to his old, hobbling self in New Jersey), they sneak to the top of the Atlantic. A fortunate turn of events in the playoffs occur and they beat the Memphis Grizzlies in 6 to win the NBA championship.

Of course, another scenario is the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup next year. This initally seems like a blessing; 40 years of futility finally come to an end. If you thought the Red Sox and White Sox were something, hockey-crazed Toronto sets a new precedent. Pandemonium breaks loose, people are all over the street. Suddenly fires start, police are called out, but there are just too many people and it's totally out of control. Violence ensues, black people are seen looting, while white people are merely finding items that were discarded conveniently. A few hours later as savagery ensues, a huge asteroid is spotted as heading for a collision course with Earth (Think Armageddon), but because all the Space Shuttles have been grounded, the planet is doomed.

2 scenarios, neither more likely than the other. Well, except for the first part of the first scenario where the Jays win the World Series. That is a possibility, but I balanced it with the Raptors winning an NBA Championship. Lord knows, Bosh signing and the firing of Pat Quinn are very small steps in making these franchises look promising. Here's to hope though, except in Arizona, where you're all still doomed.

Straight Guy for the Queer Eye

2006-04-18T21:56:00.000-07:00

nbadraft.net predicts the Toronto Raptors picking Rudy Gay with their likely #5 pick. This might be mutually beneficial to all parties if you think about it. Toronto is a socially-progressive city with a vibrant gay community. It’s totally legal for same-sex couples to get married like any other couple in Canada, which isn’t the case in the States. So what does this mean for Rudy? Massive jersey sales for one.

How many times have you heard the joke that Randall Gay possesses the slowest selling jersey in the NFL. The thing is, Randall isn’t one of the top players at his position, so it doesn’t really matter. Now, Rudy Gay has all the potential to be a great professional player, but his last name really could limit his jersey sales in somewhere more conservative. Put him in Toronto though, and he could be embraced like no one else.

The Raptors could certainly use another marketable player. Their only asset at the moment is Chris Bosh. Locally, you have a lot of support for a couple guys like the goofy Matt Bonner, and the suddenly dependable (and in my opinion, highly underrated) Morris Peterson. However, these guys don’t really have any particular appeal to any given demographic except for the not so important nerdy-looking redhead and basketball players allegedly with herpes segments. Rudy Gay could reach out to the relatively untapped homosexual market.

He could star in a new marketing push in the city. Attendance at games has been quite dismal the past couple years. This is somewhat surprising since hockey was locked out for a year, which should have allowed basketball to make inroads in the city. Of course the team traded away Vince Carter and anyone who follows the NBA knows how that turned out. This is a great chance to make things right and bring in a great deal of new fans.

Of course, this is all based on the huge assumption that one man’s surname happening to coincide with an adjective for someone’s sexual orientation is some sort of great connection, which it could very well not be. In fact, the whole idea might be so ridiculous that it could backfire in the face of the entire organization. Then again, the Raptors did trade Vince Carter for basically nothing. What has Toronto got to lose? (Certainly not more games).

New Stadium, Same Cardinals

2006-04-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

So the other day on ESPN.com, there was a video clip about the Arizona Cardinals. "Will Edge give the winning edge to Cards" or something to that effect. There's a lot of talk surrounding the big signing by the Cardinals. In addition, they are finally moving out of Sun Devil Stadium and into new, more modern digs. Let's be serious though, just because the Red and White Sox win a couple World Serieses and the Clippers get into the NBA playoffs doesn't mean every underdog is on the rise. The Cardinals have had high picks for years and yet the last time they made the playoffs was in '98. Count that, it's been 8 years since then, they've had enough high and early round picks to nearly build an entire team. Do you really think a running back who had the luxury of playing with the best regular season QB and a good offensive line is going to reverse the destitution in the desert?

Let me offer some anecdotal evidence. In the 2006 edition of Madden, they added a "Create-a-Superstar" mode. As the name suggests, this mode allows you to create and go through the career of a NFL player. You begin right from the beginning and choose a set of parents, which are randomly generated. I kept generating parents until I hit a father who was a "Hall of Fame DB" with a pretty high IQ of 120. The mother had some random job, but had a genius-level IQ. I figure 'Jackpot!', since I wanted to make a Defensive Back anyway. So after you create the guy's appearence you go through preliminaries like the interview and Wonderlic. I scored high on both (it's really easy since the questions don't change much). Finally, draft day arrives and I get picked in the 3rd round by the Cardinals (you can't get drafted in the first two). I figure "it's alright, it's a game, can't be that bad," but I was horribly mistaken. Upon being drafted, my player had a rating of 89, which was even higher than Antrel Rolle (the real first round pick). This high rating instantly thrust my player into the starting lineup. After a weeks worth of computer-simulated practices (I can't be bothered, it's too boring), my player actually got worse, WORSE. If you didn't know, the rating of the player is calculated by the entire team's performance in practice, not individually. Basically the Cardinals are so bad, that they stank in practice, thus making my player worse.

There you have it, I even threw in a computer simulation of just how bad that team is. If you don't trust computers, I'll just name Duane Starks, he's almost like the real-life version of my virtual player. Here's a guy who comes in with a lot of promise, now he's a journeyman, recently cut by the Pats. Certainly the injuries didn't help, but neither does playing for the Cardinals.

Here are some facts too. The Cardinals are still missing a legit QB; Kurt Warner's magic spell has worn off. Plus, their offensive line is nothing to write home about and can you even name 4 players on the Cardinal's Defense?

Anyway, let us all stay realistic, there are Cubs fans you might get the hopes up of.

Dennis Rodman for Mensa

2006-04-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

Dennis Rodman, how much do we know about this man?

A cursory look at Wikipedia (possibly the best site for settling those bets like "Tiger Woods is just as Asian as he is black") tells us he was born in Trenton and there's some debate over his height. It also tells us well-known facts about his career and life, his 'Defensive Player of the Year' awards, marrying Carmen Electra, "killing of the old Dennis Rodman" during the '92-'93 season with a loaded shotgun in the Palace parking lot (alright, I admit I didn't know this one either).

There's one line that really stands out though, "he used an almost scientific approach to calculate how the ball would ricochet off the basket to be in prime position to grab it". Think about this for a second. You're probably thinking 'Dennis Rodman? Scientific? What are these drugs and does Barry Bonds take them?' If you are, then you haven't been following Dennis' recent activity.

As an insomniac, I've been watching Celebrity Poker on Sunday nights, where Dennis Rodman recently made an appearance. The man was unstoppable. At times his bets seemed mad, just completely out of this world, but then he would win the hand. Then the next hand and the one after that. He ended up the champ of the episode and eventually faced off in a championship game where he was knocked out by a ridiculously lucky Mekhi Phifer (the guy must've drawn an Ace like every deal). This, along with his appearance on Pros Vs. Joes (more quality programming by the way), piqued my interest into what 'The Worm' has been up to since his stint in Dallas.

Going back to Wikipedia, you'll find that Dennis was the winner of Celebrity Mole Yucatan. If you're not sure what The Mole is about, it doesn't matter, just know that Mensa billed it as the smartest show on television. Wikipedia tells us that Rodman won while barely taking a note, any notes that he did take were on cocktail napkins. Now granted celebrity competition is never a great gauge of overall intelligence, but come on, Mensa called it the smartest show on TV, that's gotta be worth something.

Now let's get this straight, I'm not nominating Rodman for a Nobel Prize or anything, I'm just saying he's probably the smartest crazy celebrity we never give any credit to. Googling "dennis rodman iq" brings no useful results, so there's nothing to disprove my theory. Is Dennis Rodman the greatest physics teacher no one has ever had? I know none of my physics teachers ever slept with Carmen Electra, that's for sure.