Writing the succesful sports column

It's been a few months since I starting writing the Double Take, and so far I've attracted a loyal following of 8 or so people (most of them Devin). Out of all the posts, I've collected all of one comment (surprisingly, not him). Had doing this cost me any money, this would've long been canned and considered a colossal failure. However, thanks to the internet and the "new media", it's free and only costs me the time to craft a column which would otherwise been wasted playing Command & Conquer or looking up something retarded on Wikipedia.

Is it time for a reset? Maybe, if I'm ever to crack the 10+ readership barrier. There must be something that keeps people coming for more like a good bowl of gruel. After some extensive research, I'm ready to present examine what really makes a successful sports column.

1. A Cool Handle
Looking at some popular sports-media personalities, they always a neat name like "Sports Guy", "the Schwab", or "Bryant Gumbel". If they didn't have the cool nicknames we might be calling them "geeky Red Sox guy" or "sports version of comic book guy". Decidedly less cool.

2. Regular Features
This one is big. Everyone has regular features. Half the time they aren't even really sports-related. Bill Simmons writes about wrestling, reality TV shows, or the O.C. half the time. It's like Letterman's Top-10 lists, if they're even remotely humorous, people will come regularly. Uncertainty is scary, if people loved surprises; there wouldn't be a McDonald's and Starbucks every other block.

3. The Angle
Everyone has an angle. Jason Whitlock is the tortured Kansas City sports fan. Local Toronto Star columnist Dave Feschuk is negative about just short of everything. Even if people hate your angle, they'll come just so they can tear you a new one about you could say something like "Vince Young will redefine the position... of Wide Receiver".

4. Rugged Good Looks
They can't hurt can they?

5. The Mailbag
It's like those infomercials where they keep asking if the set of knives are worth 100 bucks, telling them they're only 30 and then following up with a question about how crazy and unbelievable it is to sell knives for such a low price. Everyone loves audience feedback, even if it's semi-retarded or totally irrelevant. If my buddy Matt writes in about how our mutual pal AJ is going ballroom dancing instead of drinking and how he should deal with the situation, I really should put it up. Not only is it hilarious that this man is forgoing drinking with his buddies for ballroom dancing, but people love to see their own names and contributions. Such recognition can only inspire regular participation and readership.

6. A good dose of wit and insight
Can’t buy or invent this now. Only you guys can tell me if I’ve got it.

7. Regular updates
I know, I know, once every two weeks isn’t very regular. If this was my digestive system, I’d be seriously uncomfortable at this point.

These are probably the big ones. Since I live in the bastion of democracy and free-speech, Canada, I implore you readers to actually leave a comment or e-mail about the direction of where the Double Take is headed. Of course, if the past is any indication, all I’ll be having is a little chat on MSN messenger with Devin.